Naomi's Adventures in Collegeland

so long ago

2011-09-20T16:33:00.000-07:00

I could be with anyone else I wanted
I could have anything else I desired
after all of it is won
whatever it is I decided to crave for that time

at the end of the day
I just want to curl up next to you
again
like we did so many times

Despite all

2011-08-26T14:53:00.000-07:00

You not wanting to even see me, all the shit, all the shit between us...

I still love you. It isn't a hit I want. It is the opposite. You aren't a drug to me you're air so I can breathe.

Cliches come tumbling out. I had a terrible day. A truly horrid one.

Whatever has happened and will happen, I love you forever. I wish I could stop. Honestly for my own health.

But I love you.

Can I please

2011-08-16T19:12:00.000-07:00

hear a song that isn't about us?

I will be in your city later today. I didn't worry before. Now I am nervous. Can I handle this?

Probably better than I can handle being in this airport any longer. I am going crazy.

Wish you were here

2011-08-15T16:07:00.000-07:00

About to board my plane. Some minor setbacks. All taken care of.
Except my heart.
I am healing and getting better but I still miss you everyday.
To be in your city will be heartbreaking and wonderful.
To be without you this time is very scary.
I hope you're well.
All of this is redundant but you are always on my mind.

Love,
Mala

Urpppdates

2011-08-13T22:05:00.000-07:00

I though it was done. I thought you'd never reply and you were really over it.

Maybe it is selfish of me, but to be honest I feel better I am not alone on that front. I feel the wound is still fresh, though self inflicted (no pun intended...). I am not happy you still feel ripples of the pain but I am glad you still care.

Today I finished my journal, moved all my crap, and had bonding time with my father! All while being a teensy bit hung-over after a wild night of seeing everyone I needed to see before I left. It was a good party and a perfect way to end my time in Cookevegas!

With my new journal, I will try to be more positive and fill it with happy thoughts! It is weird how it finished today (unplanned BTW) right as I am leaving here.

In some sick way I wish I would bump into you (though the odds are very low) but then again I feel that it could be the most painful thing that could ever happen short of getting stabbed in the chest.

I suppose the universe had a route for me and I will find it as I need to. Now I must try on my dress for Helene's wedding. I cannot wait for Beer Fest! I <3 Belgrade!

P.S. I have a new travel blog where I will be posting video updates and text in every new place I visit (and when I am bored/get time). It is theroamingnaom.tumblr.com

Zivali!

Thoughts on an August morning

2011-08-03T07:48:00.000-07:00

I feel a poem
Bubbling up
Just under my skin
Trying to reach freedom

Shall I slit my throat to let it escape?
To get relief?
Or let it fester inside me?
Slowly seeping from every pore
Leaking out quietly
Painfully from every orifice?

I sit on my back porch
(If you can call an alley with a stoop
A porch)
Nicotine and boxed wine
Are my two closest friends
This particular morning
(Like many mornings before)

I watch a small spider
As she crawls into the slats
Of my sputtering air conditioning unit
Slender brown legs
Glistening in the sun light and morning dew
Find an undiscovered space to explore

Alone

The air is soggy
And in the earliness of each new day
I breathe in
And find it hard to believe that pollution
could ever hang
In that fresh lung-full

I ponder this day
And how I will spend it at work
And how I will soon spend my days
Far from this place

As she disappears into the void
Somewhere
between the unit and my apartment

giving in

2011-07-27T08:14:00.000-07:00

I gave in
I wrote you a letter
another letter
after all the letters you've ignored
after telling me never to send you another email
sorry.

I don't know why
but last night
I dreamt of you for the first time in forever
we were meeting again
and it was in some Kafana
and you were not alone
and of course
I was and left immediately
It was not a planned meeting
it just happened and I suppose I had that night mare because it is one of my biggest fears
I also had my sleep paralysis problems last night that I thought I was rid of but it was extremely scary as it always has been
maybe I am just stressed out and don't get enough rest or sunlight because of my job
whatever the case I feel a surge right now
I miss you more than ever and even though I want to listen to you and leave you alone (since it is what will make you happy)
I feel so lonely and pathetic all the time. I can't be with anyone else. Not really. I try but I just feel like a liar. I feel guilty letting anyone think I am over you and ready for something else. I am just not over it after a year!
By this time I should stop crying. I should be ready for someone new or at least be content with myself enough to be single and free.

my cell phone has automatically switched back to the ring I had when we were together and I know it is stupid but so many tiny details are popping up in my life and telling me that I need to reach out to you. Maybe not. Maybe I am just crazy but I feel like i have no closure.

Different day, same thoughts

2011-07-24T15:37:00.000-07:00

I hope you're well. I hope you're happy. I hope you're not as confused as I am right now.

My job is stressing me out. I would vomit it all out right here but I've been sick all day and I don't want to even think of it any more. You've been on my mind. I found one of your socks when I was moving into the new apartment. The size and label tell me that it isn't mine and I thought I sent everything home to my mom's house that reminded me of you but this sock totally made me want to cry.

A fucking sock. I swear. I am losing more of my mind every day driving myself crazy over the past and I push the thoughts out as much as I can and try to move on.

i tried to move on with someone who is the opposite of you. Someone who doesn't remind me of you at all and frankly I was happy for a little while but nothing compares the stain is still there.

There's a you-shaped hole in my life and I can't fill it with anything and I honestly believe (at least I wouldn't be surprised) if I grow old with this hole and it never closes up.

I feel so whine-y. I have been pathetically laying in bed most of the day due to feeling very ill and I haven't done that sort of thing in ages because I am always busy with work or friends or trying to catch z's in between all of those things and I forgot how much I hate being alone and awake and with you on my mind always. I feel depressed. I feel like I can't do anything right these days and I worry I'll suck at living in Salzburg. I'll suck at school. I'll be lost all the time. And I will be fat and unhappy forever.

This is stupid. I am going to do something else because I don't feel better. I doubt you you even see this cry-baby-log anymore and regardless communication was to end ages ago. I'm trying to stick by that.

Trying.

Much missed friend

2011-07-10T19:47:00.000-07:00

Last night I got a message from a friend I haven't talked to in a long time. There have been times I've seen her at school and wanted to say something (sometimes a not-so-nice) something or to tell her why I couldn't speak to her anymore.

It is weird, because I had been thinking about her yesterday. I was working a tie-dye stand for a few minutes at the Watertown mini-fest and saw a baby tie-dye onesie(sp?) and she was on my mind. I was wondering what she was doing, how she was, and mostly why we had parted ways.

Of course, I know why I stopped talking to her. It was pretty childish. I had heard from several mutual friends that she (along with two other close friends) had been talking about me when I wasn't around. Though in retrospect, it is so stupid, at the time I was pretty fucked up. I was going through some crazy emotional and personal changes. I remember when I had decided to stop talking to her. I was in the car and really upset because this was my best friend. My soul sister. I thought, "haven't I been there for her during soem hard times? Why would she ever say XYZ about me?! Fuck it!"

I should have called her. I should have told her what I told my journal.
I'm hurt, I am confused, did you really even say XYZ at all? And even if she did, it is so small in comparison to what she meant to me.

Regardless of all that- the past- I still miss her and think of her. I was really angry for a while. I felt the most alone I have ever felt. Some of my best days where with her by my side and I knew she cared for me.

Looking back I regret that I let things get the way they did. Just in case she is reading... I want you to know I still love you and I'm sorry. Maybe some day I'll be back around and you'll be back around (not to say I think we can go back to how it was before) and perhaps we will be able to talk. Really talk.

I'm really happy now, there are some days that I get upset over small things or past things but overall I think I am a different person in a lot of ways.

I don't know how you are or what's happening in your life but I really wish you the best.

Connection lost

2011-06-28T19:42:00.000-07:00

There is some small chance you might see this.

Though we've severed contact and we are both moving on...some part of me has hope that in the future we will be friends. I'll never forget you and what you meant to me.

As much as I miss you... I feel like I am finally myself. Truly so.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and change things and maybe by this time I'd be there with you and we'd be making plans for our future. But there is no rewind button and I am a different person now as are you.

Volim te svejedno zauvek.

There are so many things I wanna tell you still

2011-06-10T16:03:00.000-07:00

I want to tell you about my new job and teh relief I feel with it
about this piercing I know you'll probably not like
about my new friends
my recent events
my journal I write about you in pretty much every night
and the blue blanket I cant get rid of
Maybe you'll never know
or maybe you're reading this for some reason.

letter to mothernature

2011-05-08T14:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Period,

Where are you? You should be here by now and while I don't like you being around that much I like to know that you still exist.
Please make an appearance soon so that I can sleep easy and know that I am not dying, hitting early menopause, and that I am safe from number of other bad things that are the reason for you not being around right now. Just this once, get here and then you can go away like I always pray you do.

Thanks,
Sarah

P.S. You're freakin' me out.

no thing is un conditional

2011-05-05T02:49:00.000-07:00

i'm moving away

i'll give my shit away

i'll give this life away

if i could find a way
back to you.

we'd listen to this band sometimes
everything was okay

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTzEp4CeWT8

my ipod broke and i lost this music
this silly music
its been a year in August
what should be our two years of being together
my life broke and i lost you

i can buy a new ipod

I don't know why this hits me now
maybe because it is summer almost
the time I spent last year with you
the time reserved for us
and now we are more apart than ever and I just can't help but cry about it
I know there are more upsetting things
no one died
I just can't believe I have lost this much of myself when I lost you
I guess you didn't really get out unhurt either...

I would do it all again. I love you that much. As much as it hurts to sit here alone and think about the things I did to fuck it up.

You probably don't remember the last time you saw me and I wasn't crying. What have I succumbed to? The thing is I don't even care anymore. I feel out of shape emotionally and physically. I need to get away.

The frog house

2011-05-04T07:45:00.001-07:00

There’s a frog in my throat
His name is the same as yours
He hops up into my mouth
When I need words the most
When I need to say something
That frog, that damn little green frog
I almost forgot about
He is still living in there
In my guts, with all his might
He sleeps in there most days
But when I most need him to shut up
And stay quiet down there
He just has to set free a ribbet up into my goozle
And tickle my insides
So much so that I must cry
Rather, Howl
At the moon and the birds and the sky
They all can’t understand how hard it is to walk around
with such a fucking parasitic creature
hopping and moving under the flesh
Despite the occasion time or place
You, Mr frog, track year old mud on my face
With your little slimy feet
I wish I could abandon you somewhere
It’s hard to yell at what is internal
That is only madness
you brought it and it has been in there stewing too long
I should have a dinner party and roast that toad for its tender legs and be rid of it once and for all…
But I see your spots and I love them
I see your aches and your exhaustion
And I love those too
You don’t mean to do me harm
In fact, I know you feel like I’ve trapped you in there
Perhaps I need the company
But the space behind my ribs cage is full
of nothing but air these days
where you used to reside

now it’s just a place for a little froggy to hide.

The frog house

2011-05-04T07:45:00.000-07:00

I need to go home soon.

2011-05-04T03:05:00.001-07:00

That isn't good ol' Pulaski, either.

halah

2011-04-30T01:20:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUPyqnn-eDg

today's playlist

2011-04-29T13:23:00.000-07:00

digital versicolor -glass candy

ghost town- first aid kit

heartbeats- the knife

dear god i hate myself-xiu xiu

amsterdam- peter bjorn and john

What else is there? - roykksop

she's the one- caribou

evident utensil- chairlift

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

2011-04-27T13:07:00.000-07:00

My memories are in a Goddamn landfill
it wasn't on purpose
i have never been so angry
It wasnt deliberate
but someone threw out two years of occumulated objects from my desk
I know these are merely material attachments
however the senimentality of the letters and photos and drawings I kept
I have no back up to
they're gone
in a fucking storm
after a night I have had no sleep
and I want to cry over these silly things
but there was a huge box of it
my faithful mug is in the dump
my poem pen that Buddy Wakefield gave me as a gift
the piles and stacks of papers and books
i will never have back
a pair of shoes I paid too much money for (before, now I sit here with a few dimes in my pocket and see only flashes of red)
I know I am moving
i know I don;t need more stuff to keep up with and move
But fuck this day
i couldn't choose
i feel like i did when I was in 7th grade and my house burnt
and all I had left was the converse tennis shoes I had on and the clothes I had worn to school
of course
it isn't that castistrophic but i collect things
pieces of myself and everyone I know
I have pieces of people so far away
I could never replace the goodbye note from Thomas
or All of the handwritten letters from my mom
I held on to that shit, junk some might say
for a Goddamn reason
and I wanted to keep them and I feel like I need them
and maybe this was supposed to happen
but I am fucking pissed
I called
they cant get it back
It is washing away in the flithflood outside
my precious things
i surrounded myself with
so i didn'y miss home
or my far away boyfriend
but now I only have bare empty desk in front of me
which belongs to someone else entirely
things were taken from me that i cannot ever get back or replace

FUCK.

Poemielies.

2011-04-27T01:35:00.000-07:00

Waves back and forth

Goodbye
Wave
You shout and
Let it fall apart
I wonder why you
broke this fragile heart
you
& I
in love
our lips touched
on to chitchat then
We waved
Hello.

Human Scratching Post

I have made a terrible misjudgment

Sold myself short

And settled

For a sratching post instead of a partner

Instead of someone who I gave any part of myself to

I landed on you

I knew you weren’t good for me

You, self-centered man

Barely a man, man

I let you have my time

My affection

Tool

You are a tool

You are my old rusted tool

I use to turn my knobs

And fix temporary leaks

But the spirit leaks and I need something firmer to grasp

Someone else to hold on to

One thankful note

I’ll never give you anything more than these words

You’d never read anyway

The tragic irony is

I looked so hard for someone like me

Someone interesting

And a little insane

And the redness of my cheek

Lets me know

We are not the same brand of crazy, baby.

It is too bad

3 months and I leave this town

this nothing town

where I looked and looked

and you were all I found

so I wrapped up in sheets that belonged to

not you but your girlfriend

apparently...

two nights ago

I had a realization

I saw the person I have overlooked

And mistook his demonstration

His existence can now

Be nothing more than a reminder

(Instead of what could have been—

So many unknown wonderfuls)

Thanks a lot

They said

Cool, this poem reads like Bukowski

"Thanks"

I go home

What a compliment

Right?

I sit at my desk

I reorganize my pens

That wasn’t a compliment

It is always

You sound like

So-and-so

Or I like your stuff ‘cause I mean, I can relate

Maybe I don’t want you to relate

Maybe I don’t want to sound like so-and-so

Maybe I don’t want you to like my poem if you like it for the wrong reasons

Maybe I should get over it and say

Thanks

Time

Sometimes

A poem pops out

Other days

I must rip it from the fabric lining my noggin

And scrap every morsel from my resistant skull-filling

Like a heifer giving birth

I have the chains around the feet of my calf idea

And half a poem will show it’s head

Wet ears and all

Big brown baby-cow-eyes poems

The ones that plop and squish and wiggle out on their own

Are fine pieces of work

perhaps

Usually loved more by others than the ones I drag from my brain’s warm nest

But the words I struggle to say

The ones that sting on the way out or just don’t want to let me pluck them from my cranium

Those are the words

Of Course

I wish my window

Was a little bit larger

So I could sit in the corner of it

On this lonely Sunday

I wear his old t-shirt

And a teal sweater

The day is dreary

Someone mows the yard down below

It is 7:04 pm

The grass is just starting to grow but my room is filthy

You never call me

You never answer my calls

I woke up in the late afternoon

And knew it was one of these days

Not full of possibility

Not a fresh-start-New-leaf kind of day

I opened my eyes

And felt the sticky sleep-dew on my neck

And knew that today I’d smoke too much

I’d cry over someone.

You or the old someone or the someone else

-fucking idiot

Who I wish was the new someone

There is nothing in my cupboard

There is nothing in my pocket

There is nothing to eat

I knew when I woke up

That tonight we will count the silver

To buy cigarettes

And I go to sleep with aches in my sides

(faygo sugar crust rotting my teeth)

You are an ache in my side

I don’t love you

You don’t love me

You’re affection for me waned long ago

When you acknowledge me

It is to use me

To fuck me

Slap-

hurt me

To call me a whore

Your whore

Surely there is a way to escape from this room

Where the temperature is way too high

Surely there is a way to leave this behind

Surely before I leave this town

You’ll have noticed you can’t stand

losing me

You’ll need me

You’ll want for me

Right?

You’ll miss me when I’m gone

Won’t you?

Something shifts in the kitchen

The room is stale

I look through the rusted filter

Of last night’s activities

Something falls off my bathroom shelf

I think of what has happened in this room

The men I have tried my damndest to please

Mostly you

The men who have pleased me here

And I am only lonely

Of course.

Like yesterday.

smeop

2011-04-24T23:56:00.000-07:00

Crumbling Brown Reverie

The ugly brown necklace sits in my bathroom drawer

The beads fat

Made from clay

On a string too short for comfort

I remember the evening so well

We rode the bus to their flat

An old chop-up.

pre-communist apartment.

You could say

the bathtub was in the kitchen.

Literally.

he said

“it is from the heart”

one of the few English phrases he ever said in front of me

and she could barely speak at all

she couldn’t walk

she looked like she was always in pain

she held my hands

at some point

she said it was very important that we love each other

and we did very much

that day

we ate sweets from clear glass serving dishes

and I left with a bundle of post cards

the big window in the parlor was my favorite

I imagined that we lived there

and this shriveled little, old couple was our guests

but instead I flew home

with this ugly brown reminder

that you’re not mine anymore.

Priapus:

To see those eyes

The green streaks you carry in your starburst irises

Behind the colored glass

In the neon room where you live

Is almost

Enough.

It isn't a lie if you say just kidding

I’ll pull the wool

Over your hazel eyes

Like the blues and browns before you

House Eye

The big silver clock on your wall

is the over seer

I never want to know what that clock knows

every recorded second in the metal brain

everything that big gleaming eye saw

that made it run so behind

would surely bring tears to mine.

Farewell Oracle, Preggo Tress, and Tech.

2011-04-18T13:33:00.000-07:00

As I was cleaning out my desk at the office today I realized how much I regret to leave Tech. I have had a lot of crappy days behind this desk but I have had a lot of great memories in the two years spent back here. I remember getting the Assistant position as a Freshman and running back to my dorm and cheerfully telling my friends and boyfriend how happy I was to be writing for the paper already. Soon my desk became a cluttered mess of post its, dried up markers, and unwanted literature.

I found the little red lighter Branah gave me almost a year ago in our shared room. He gave me a post it with a diamond drawn on it and he told me to keep it until he could buy me the real thing. He gave me a shell from the falls and told me to always remember that day and smile, and then he gave me that lighter to always light my way when I am lost or to light a cigarette. I found it yesterday when I really needed a lighter and now I think I did for another reason. I know this is all so sappy but it is just weird how all the loose ends of my life are getting tied up before I leave here. Despite everything the good stuff and the bad stuff it all lead up to this. Me heading out on this adventure....

The tree on South Patio, pregnant tree as I liked to call it, was always in the background during my time here. Everyday I passed it on the way to class and I remember when we saw it on a walk one of the first times I noticed it and I decided it was a mama tree. Its huge trunk had a round belly at the base. Today my friend gave me a piece of it and I'm keeping it with the rest of the contents of my desk. I found a not from the first week at the Oracle amidst the chaos and I tried recollecting what happened on that day. Things are a lot different now but it is nice to remember.

My memories are finally being filed and organized like the trinkets I have sorted out today and though I am happy to leave and explore Europe, I am honestly very sad to leave here. I didn't think I would be. I have never been homesick and I wanted to escape for so long but Tech has become my imperfect home away from home. I have grown here more than anywhere else. Here is where I learned to live alone, feed myself, and be an adult (kind of). This is the tint nothing place where I gained by independence when I was shedding my teenage skin.

I remember so many arbitrary things:

I crammed in this newsroom and ate junk at the minimart downstairs. I made friends from everywhere in the world that I will never forget. I fell in love for the first time in janky Tech Village. I wrote my best work in the lounge in Henderson Hall. I discovered slam poetry and decided to pursue something more than news writing in my English 1010 class. I laid around in bed all day and got up at 4 pm had some coffee and failed to do my homework. I suffered through my worst breakup in my one room box apartment. I drank too much, wanted to kill my roommates, lived illegally in my boyfriend's dorm room,. I learned a language, forgot an appointment, smoked too much. I went to class unshowered, hungover, under the influence. I lied, I gained weight, I was brutally honest. I lost friends, some that were "best friends". I got stupid drunk and called my ex. I had a bad trip and missed work. I promised God and the Devil I would never do drugs again. I bit my finger nails. I called my mom in a panic, met Anne Waldman, partied too often, spent all my money. I skipped class way more than anyone ever should, found my spirit animal, made an A, got stranded at T-mart. I dropped a class, threw a fit (or two), made an F, lost all kinds of work when my laptop died. I cursed too loudly, pilfered office supplies. I threw up on a stack of forgotten poems and cried about it, and then I sat down and wrote more.

I found the little red lighter Branah gave me almost a year ago in our shared room. He gave me a post it with a diamond drawn on it and he told me to keep it until he could buy me the real thing. He gave me a shell from the falls and told me to always remember that day and smile, and then he gave me that lighter to always light my way when I am lost or to light a cigarette.Maybe sometime I'll see it as only a lighter to light cigarettes. I found it yesterday when I really needed a lighter and now I think I did for another reason. I know this is all so sappy but it is just weird how all the loose ends of my life are getting tied up before I leave here. Despite everything the good stuff and the bad stuff it all lead up to this. Me heading out on this adventure....

Sappy blog. Whatevz. Fuck it.

we woke up

2011-04-17T22:42:00.000-07:00

I look at a picture of you

and I think of how I used to feel when I saw that face

I used to be filled with relief and familiarity

ultimate comfort and contentment washed over me when I looked in your eyes

but now

there have been so many words

word word words

words about words trying to explains the words we exchanged months ago

words

that got us all confused

words that can't be erased

that still have sticky ink streaks left on the inside of my mind

making it uncomfortable to blink and see what all is leaking in there

because if I think long enough

I know it will come back like it always does

The longing for you

but i know even if I was queen of the universe

and I could move the planets with a stomp in the sand

I couldn't put us back together as we were

pure

in love

unbetrayed

forever still shining in our eyes and hope in our naive hearts

the longing will return

but the purity will never come back to us

In the airport

I can remember the embrace

the grey floors

the kids watching us

asking their mothers at the cafe inside the terminal

why the two people were crying

tears blurred the site of eachother

the last look when

the heart beat was weak

but we were alive

and we knew it would be the last time

somehow

and that part of our lives would end

we'd go back to our real lives

and the year was a dream

I hear thunder but there's no rain

2011-04-17T17:48:00.001-07:00

This time of thunder breaks walls and window panes.

My life is a movie where the girl is very stupid and naive.

the pregnant tree on campus was struck by lightening. It smashed half a car. The had to cut the rest of her down. I guess I walked by there yesterday on the way to work.

I didn't notice the stump it had become overnight.

How strangely symbolic.

Such a great writer indeed

2011-04-05T13:39:00.000-07:00

Health issues. I think I have another UTI. Delicious.

My life.

Fun.

Too much Deutsch homework.

yesterday I lost $20 somehow.

I never have money.

But when I get it. I lose it, like an ass.

I laid around all weekend.

Spent my silver on peach Faygos.

I need a nap and to stop eating so much junk and smoking so much.

I'm officially not giving another Cookeville boy my attention anymore. Again. Ever.

That's today, folks.

Speaking of Guilty Pleasures

2011-03-22T00:01:00.000-07:00

I love how Sex and the City comes on at 2 am for people like me who stay up late but feel shitty liking the show. Sometimes it is just too interesting. It is an episode I have never seen and it is perfect for my mood. World, I like S&C. Deal with it.

There is no such thing as guilty pleasure, so don't be ashamed.

2011-03-21T17:38:00.000-07:00

Indulgences:

Some things that I enjoy that usually bite me in the ass at the end of the day:

1. Gluttony of any kind: German chocolates, Alcohol, Green tea mints, etc.

2. Taco Bell shrimp tacos. If you want to think literal…

3. Smoking cigarettes. The ache in my lungs is a little louder tonight.

4. Lying. It is so fun sometimes. I will be honest and say that I have a tendency to lie.

5. Lying- on my back for the indifferent kind of man.

6. Gossip. It slips out on accident. Mostly.

7. Shopping. Now I have all these socks and no food to eat this month.

8. Any communication with my ex-boyfriend. Duh.

9. Biting my fingernails. Ouch. Why is it so satisfying?

10. Eating too much drugs at once. Feels so good and hurts the most.

Keeping control is overrated.

Master of Communication

2011-03-21T01:01:00.000-07:00

Pretty sure something is wrong....
I wish I knew. Miscommunications happened to me a few times today. Most were not funny. Ugh... it is 3 am and my work isn't done.

My major is useless. I wish I could see into people's brains. How much easier life would be for me.

ick

2011-03-20T01:56:00.000-07:00

You know when that one time thing turns in to 4 or 5 times?

Sure you do.

Well. I am gonna leave Cookeville in 3 months. I'm gonna find a new niche. I'm gonna care less and adore no more or at least try 'cause this shit is weird. I am not good at what I am doing right now, mainly 'cause I dunno what I am doing.

Breathing and walking around and getting rides from strangers but then again.... I think everyone pretty much is at this point.

Gonna do my work tomorrow and try to not use my phone at all.

Gute nacht.

NAOMINEWS

2011-03-16T08:07:00.000-07:00

Hello devoted readers!
(All three and a half of you)
I have been so very busy (and a little frustrated as a result) recently but it is time for some news.

Lately, I have mostly written in my journal and I have neglected you big time. Mostly because my inner-most feelings do not belong on the internet at this time as I could be put into a padded room for some of them. However, I am doing well today. I got up quite early. I developed my perfect plan to making sure I wake up. My alarm is now on high and all the way at the other end of my room. I also set like 3 alarms so I can't sleep through it. Then I make coffee and guzzle it and begin to work immediately and get in the zone. I don't want to be late to work/class anymore. Waking up late has always been a problem of mine but I gotta fix it now because I have a busy day ahead of me!

Also I just got home from Berlin. I took the trip over break with my German class. I really enjoyed my time there and plan to visit again in summer. I got to saying the same of the place in my head over and over. BERRRR-LINNNNN. Sounds so nice. Like if you say the word Silver over and over. It sounds so nice. Silllll-verrrrr. I dunno why. I may have had too much coffee. I was really unhappy last night and really upset so I just went to sleep without doing much work (which I desperately need to do!) and I ate a LOT of chocolate I brought back from Germany and I was trying to be healthier and there that idea went. Oh well today is a new day. A smoke-less day might I add! I am gonna really cut back on the expensive, unhealthy habit for a while.
Oh also, I got the news that I will most likely be studying at Salzburg this coming year! I am beyond jazzed. I didn't think I would get to go there so I am really excited! It is one of the oldest universities in Europe and I find that very intriguing. Okay, back to work now. I have a German exam to work on.

Love!

Home

2011-03-13T09:17:00.000-07:00

Well, physically "home."

I have a long to-do list still. Missing you all day wasn't on there but I guess it oughta be since it isn't avoidable I have found.

Talking is hard. Not talking is hard.

What to do....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AedHv7geXcU

Berlin (not really)

2011-03-08T09:05:00.000-08:00

There was a time not so long ago that I thought I would never be lonely again because I found you . The fact that you exist was such a relief and exciting discovery and now I am in a beautiful city. I am surrounded by people and I miss you more than I have ever missed anything before. More than my old house. More than my dead relatives. I miss you more than my favorite black and white chicken on my dad's farm. I miss you more than the innocence and naïvety that made the world seem wonderful as a child.

Berlin is amazing but being on your side of the ocean is enough to make me really depressed that it is all gone. All that we had between us. All the bonds have been smashed and broken and our whole little plan got ruined in just a second and now I am here and I hear everyone speaking German and I think of how easily you could be here and understanding all these words that I don't know.

I hate how every story I want to tell has you all over it and every sign I see or song I hear is about you and I know that is normal in the beginning when you are first alone but it has been 6 months and no matter who I try to shove in my heart to make myself feel better no one fits. And it is just uncomfortable.

I think of how I sit alone on the S-bahn here and how we should both be on it like we were in the NYC subway.

I think of the one thing in life that makes me feel the deepest emotion, the most pleasant sight to me, and I only see you. I think of what in the world I felt most belonged to me and it was you and I feel like it should still be you.

I find that all of it makes me write run-ons and I don't care.

Fuckkkkk

2011-03-05T01:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I just can't help but think, I will always be hungry.

For someone to love me, as stupid and naive as it sounds.

For a temporary high or person to put in place of what I have lost.

For a best friend that is closer to me (physically and emotionally).

For more money, to waste on things because it makes me feel better for the moment.

For anything I am not allowed to have.

For a pet or something that is mine (in some sick way, a kid. Yes, I know. It's fucked up. I can't take care of me and that's a terrible idea).

For an escape, which is all I try to do (as if somehow a change of location will result in a change of heart).

For successful work. Some days. Other days, I don't care if I ever write anything anyone likes ever again.

Sometimes I see pictures of us and I see exactly who you are and I wonder about myself. The person I should really know.... and I wonder who was I? Or who was I trying to be? Was I even the person I thought I was? Did I trick myself as I deceived you?

What am I going to do when I am in the same country as you in a few hours? Nothing.

What will I do when I live on your side of the ocean? I wonder, if I can really help myself from finding you and whoever you may have replaced me with. Regardless of what I have done and who I have become...the mistakes I made so much... I can't say I am too ashamed (or that I would ever be) to try.

______

There is a bar of soap in my shower

that your first roommate here gave us when he left

I don't know why I still have it

I just remember looking at it

Green and rectangle

I look at it now

cracked and dry from the water I let fall on it without thinking

it is flaking and falling apart

but never did I think

this green soap

would last longer

under the corrosion

than us.

It isn't enough of a past life for me to not care as much as I'd like to not care.

UPDATE ON MUH LIFE

2011-03-02T23:43:00.001-08:00

Things that are the same:
I still suck at German (and I am going to Berlin on Saturday! It's what Hutch would call a yayboo situation)
Still stressed about school
dirty dishes are still rotting up my sink
Friends are good
Sean and I are dorks
into some new musics
drinking the same amount of too much coffee
Still miss Jesa
Still hype about gettin' the fuck outta Cookeville
Still too much pressure from some stuff that ain't gonna matter in three months
Still gonna go by Naomi when I leave

Things that are different since I have last posted:
Sickness
more stress
Back on to poetry
a possible spoken word tour this summer
A super compliment from a hard teacher about an essay I wrote for class
poor(er than before)
met some new folks
looked in the mirror today and decided I love my hips that I have hated for years
forgotten some upsetting details of a past life
stress again (ick)

made peace with my inner crybaby at the doctor's office
my apartment is even messier than before
Back into a bunch of old music I forgot about
Saw my adorable family over the weekend
missed way too much class because of being sickly (which isn't THAT new)
got a new coat

starting making fewer to-do lists and did more stuff on em

remembered something that used to make me upset and realized how small that thing really is

got a bit of red in muh hairs (which sadly made my head itch as if I have fleas)

spent my night rambling and roaming as I haven't in a long time

did some work I have been putting off
realized my spirit animal is a deer (specifically a doe)

I guess I have more new than old. Change is good.

PEACE (of cake)

Sarahahahahahah

Looking through pictures late at night does this...

2011-02-20T23:55:00.000-08:00

Ick, I feel childish. I hate I remember you so well.

Well, regardless of that. This past weekend was a success and now I must hit the books after such sillyness. I miss Jesaka already.

Wah. Wanna crawl in a hole...

Peace.

Here we are apart

2011-02-18T00:24:00.000-08:00

I hat to walk around this town knowing, you'll never be the one to hold on to me again like you did.
Sometimes, not existing is the scariest thought. Other times, like tonight, I only think of that and how it would be the ultimate numbness.
Sometimes I just need my best friend here to hug.
Sometimes I just want to cry.
Sometimes I drink too much and write emo poetry about missing you.
What else is new?
Sometimes I have an entire bottle of wine and go to sleep and ignore my "priorities".
Sometimes I buy things to feel better. For a time.
Sometimes I waste time on boys who aren't you to feel like I'm worth something. But I'm not.
And sometimes I run out of words to say. Yes, even me.
So I am going to sleep now.

P.S. Sorry the person you fell in love with is broken.

It's L5:9

2011-02-13T16:58:00.000-08:00

It is amazing what 24 hours can do.
It can turn your head inside out. It can feel like a week and a second all at once. It can reset your timer and recharge your battery. It can wear on your fragile senses and knock your ass down.

A good weekend in the woods, indeed.

No sleep!

2011-02-06T07:30:00.000-08:00

I think of you and I feel sadness and I hate associating you with that so I try really hard to not show you. I usually get upset when we talk but today...Seeing your sleepy face only made me think of the happiness we shared and waking up beside you. I know it isn't healthy to dwell too much but some part of me always smiles just to remember.

This weekend has flown by and I haven't done the work I promised myself I would not only start but complete. I need to work out too. Ugh... At least I am getting my tire fixed today. I am in a pretty good mood. Three movies consecutively today. That is impressive but not what I needed to do. Damn friends and their night owl tendencies. Oops. I am nocturnal again.

Anyway, I guess I should get in a little nap so I can function later today. I am more hyped up every day to leave and go to Europe and have my adventure. I really just can't wait.

My to-do list right now is very long but I gotta catch some zzzzzs.

Peace

Deutsch Hausaufgabe (Fabien half mir wenig)

2011-02-03T17:48:00.000-08:00

Ich schreibe über Berlin, da ich diese Stadt vor kurzem besucht habe. Main Freund auf Deutschland half mir. Viele Deutsche sagen, dass Berlin unterschiedlich zu anderen deutschen Städten ist. Was macht Berlin so speziell?

Die schöne Stadt ist in Ostdeutschland. Berlin ist das Kapital von

Deutschland. Die Berlin Mauer ist ein berühmtes Teil Deutschlands Geschichte. Berlin bietet viel mehr als gerade die Berlin Mauer für Besucher an. Das Kilma ist mäßiges saison.

Berlin lässt karneval der kulturen, hohe Mode und einen eindeutigen Dialekt. Es gibt auch Kunstgallaries und stangen, in denen Sie Berliner Weiße Bier versuchen können.Cookeville ist die Stadt, die ich herein studiere. Hier ist die Bevölkerung 29.880. In Berlin ist es 3,4 Million! Berlin hat mehr, zum der Touristen als Cookeville anzubieten, das klein is.

Hier ist einige Fotos von Berlin.

Tschüss!

Who knows

2011-02-02T20:11:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I need a little motivation to do my work:

Dream Jobs

Reporter for Ftv or some channel like that

International correspondent

Contributor to a publication (More than a local paper...)

PR work for an international company

....or just sit around writing books all day....

La la la la la!

2011-01-26T01:52:00.000-08:00

Pretty good day. I have trouble doing this blog and a diary so I think I will give it a rest here for a while.

Life is working itself out.

Sometimes though, I hear a song that reminds me of my past life and it is so odd. Sometimes it isn't even a song I know or should associate with him but yeah. I do. Weird.. A part of me finds trying to speak German so alien. I know if he was here he's make me understand just like before and help me with it. I still find myself thinking about when I will be back in Serbia like it is definitely going to happen even though that's so off...

It is super late. Again I stay up all night being stupid. Hanging out with Sean tonight just listening to music and talking about crazy things only he would think of talking about out of the many people I know. I had sushi today also. In all, a very nice day. Simone took me for groceries and even though I wasn't that productive today, I plan to really step on it tomorrow and kick it into high gear.

To do list for tomorrow is as follows:

1. Turn in deposit and form to Julia in class.
2. Study German vocab. words
3. write poems: A. for Saya, voice and gender monologue, B. Anne Waldman portrait for book
4. Buy Essay class book and read assigned pieces
5. pay rent in full
6. Panda Garden with Sean.
7. Fika
8. Start Essay for O'Rourke
9. draft Oracle Article
10. transcribe videos
11. draft email for internship
12. Goodwill, if I have time
13. International office/fee payment for ISEP
14. Start Cold War Kids album review

WOO. I can't wait to get my car fixed and I know I need to save money but there is a dress I found that looks EXACTLY like a Balmian dress I have been wanting for years. It is $77 instead of $10,000 or however much the original is. I must must must get it. And tone this fat ass to fit in it....

It'll be worth it.

Good night!

You're just a Substitute for the One I Hold Dear

2011-01-24T22:38:00.000-08:00

It's cool. It is actually normal for a 19 year old kid to like a lot of people. I should never feel special because I am not. I should never compare anyone to Brana because no one is but him. I should never trick myself with distractions in human form or otherwise because even if Mr. Dude only liked me and was really into me (well, ONLY me), I would still have to leave here and someone would get hurt and let's be honest. I am not over Brana and everyone knows it. If I was, I wouldn't be so keen on finding someone to distract me and patch up the holes left even if he could only do so temporarily.

Mr. Dude is a good guy and maybe he will find a nice girl who will think of him as number 1 and won't mind his way-too-ticklishness which prevents any kind of physical contact and that he isn't a great speller. We shall remain friends and that is all I want really. I just get carried away trying to clear my mind of my albatross.

Honestly, talking earlier to Brana made me realize before we ever spoke. I expected a call from Mr.Dude and I got one from the one person I wanted to forget. It is odd it happens that way. The timing is just... Eery I guess. I have nothing to prove anymore to anyone and for that I feel free.

I just hate when I try to about things the normal way and the right way to move on or whatever and realize it doesn't even matter and I still miss the same person and will only want him in the long run anyway. I guess it wasn't really fair to him anyway. If he had really liked me, and he did turn out to be amazing, he could only be second. That's not fair. No one deserves to be second. I don't want to be second either.

There is no kiss, but my loves. Even if we are the most apart in body and mind ever. There is still only you. No other graces my diary like you continue to.

I know it will never work. I know some part of him even hates me and rightfully so. I know his family would never accept me now. I know he deserves better than the shell of a person I have become in comparison to who I was when he met me. It doesn't change how I feel, unfortunately.

Thank God I get my excess aid check tomorrow. I can survive at least now. Sushi needs to happen ASAP.

I am free but not really free. A slave to the past and lack of money.

The albatross has become the white whale yet again and I am lonely in my tiny room again. I curl into my little ball again and wait for the semester to end.

Why cry over burned bridges when I get to fly away?

I wonder the stories I'll write when I'm in Love

2011-01-23T23:32:00.000-08:00

I stole that line from Jesaka Brooks. It doesn't belong to me at all but it is a nice line don't ya think?

Speaking of which this year Valentines day is on a damn Monday so she can't be here for class. So are faux-lesbian date for sushi is out. :(

Did I mention how much I wish I could just be a lesbian? It seems so nice. Like you get to share clothes. And shoes. And I love some females more than I think I could ever love a man. Alas, vaginas gross me out. Oh well.

I will do what I always do. Make fun of everyone else and bask in my singledom. Flowers die and chocolates get eaten... and then you have dead flowers and you're fat. Happy Valentines! Haha... blah.

I have had such a weird weekend. Shy boy, why are you so shy? Why do I feel so stalker-ish because you're so shy and can't look in my eyes? We established we like each other, why are you still so weird? Why must I make moves? I am the lady. I do not like pursuing, but being pursued.

We are in high school again. That is really true for some folks around here but I am not a fan of high school.

Meh, why do I bother? I am leaving anyway. Timing always kills these kinds of things for me.

Maybe he will shape up before I ship out. I guess it doesn't matter that much, I should work on my own junk and forget it.

I should name this blog something else like, "SORRY FOR THE RANT". Because I complain so much here. I hate that I have this tendency but I can't help it. Sometimes I just want to scream at people who are so bored and so useless they have to tell things that really cross the line to acquaintances. Here is the thing, I am an open book. I will tell anyone anything because I say fuck secrets. What can you hold against me? Call me a slut all day. Call me crazy all day. Maybe I am both but I don't have to lie about it or air your personal shit to the world (though believe me I could) because I at least have some class whereas people like that do not.

I hate that this issue even takes space in my head.

Oh and I never stole anyone's man. Especially not on purpose. If you want a man sweetie just go after him. That is my advice. Don't blame me for getting someone you had your eye on (especially when I didn't fucking know!). I just go after what I want. Call me a bitch. I say that's normal. So do your worst honey, if he picks you instead of me I will know he isn't smart enough for me anyway. But I highly doubt it would ever happen. He isn't keen on annoying, loud hoes(unless you consider me to be an annoying loud hoe. In that case he digs 'em).

And the above is what I have succumbed to. Sorry karma, I know I am taking a hit for being smug and sure of myself in this one area. I have really sunk in someway to their level. Even if they started it. Even if I don't name names. Even if I don't tell people not to talk with them. Even if they hurt me way before with their malicious words. I just need to forget it because a really smart person recently told me it was probably jealousy and even though I don't believe him it makes me happy he thinks I am great enough to be jealous of. That is truly a gift.

I know everyone liked me better when I had a boyfriend and I wasn't a threat to anyone. It is too bad people are really that two-faced. I stop talking to people I don't like. I don't act like things are okay or confront them. It isn't even worth it to me. Fuck it. No more thinking of such bullshit.

WHY AM I AWAKE!? I have class and work tomorrow! EEEEEk!

The sad thing is I feel so selfish even liking someone just a bit because I leave so soon and this always happens to me and ruins anything I ever have with anyone( okay just the one time and we were like IN LOVE so it isn't the same at all but it sucks also). I just hate to get involved and then scoot and like.. either not have freedom or be sad that it can't work out. Whatever happens there I am still going to have my adventure and it doesn't matter who is here. Everyone who hates me and thinks I am oh so man-stealin' will be happy because they will have slightly better chances, I guess.

I want to crawl in a hole and forget German 2. It is insanely hard without German one and now that I have this freakin' workstudy job I forgot about I have less time. I only hope I get everything done and get to have a weekend as good as the one that just past.

I need to just be chilled. I am a shaken can of coke all the time. My mom send me food by Tegan today and that us great news! I was about to starve!

NOM.

Peace out and don't ever take me too seriously. I change my mind from moment to moment.

Happiness is listening to Marvin Gaye

2011-01-19T23:06:00.000-08:00

Hey blog and few and far between sporadic readers!

Life is good. I had a little party last night which was fun and I am sooo happy school started up again. I am crazy crazy crazy busy and stressed however I really feel good for the social interaction (met a lot of new international students that I already adore!) and the working stress at least keeps me busy. I have a lot on my plate but what can I do? Just have one bite at a time. I am brainstorming idea for the first edition of the Oracle, writing a lot in my journal (which is why I haven't written here in a while), and gotten lost in the mess of first assignments! Weeeee!

German is scary right now. I knew it would be. I am not even sure about our homework... I was lost. Seeing tutor as soon as his hours are scheduled!

Little worried about my Oracle duties. I was supposed to pick an assistant and only one chick applied. Hope she's good!

Writing a bit for Hutch's class at the moment and kind of wondering how I will juggle all the classes I have, my internship, and my Oracle position. I will have no social life it seems!! Well, I could try but it wouldn't work. That's a good thing though. I am surrounded by good folks.

I haven't been to my Essay class yet but I think PR cases won't be too bad. Yeah, 20 hours is insane but I think I can do it. I am really gonna try anyway. I feel the need to dance around my apartment, sometimes I wonder how I can be so happy and then so sad and then so happy. I am probably really unbalanced. I have a lot of things to be sad about but I have found a smile on my face today. I hope it lasts!

I wonder why and how some people can be so petty and nosy. Keep it up, real classy. I still don't talk about people (especially naming names) and I wouldn't succumb to that. It makes you look worse that me so continue your reputation at your own discretion. Recently, a really nice guy told me that jealousy is the biggest reason people talk shit and when I look back... I don't know if it is true in this case. Whatever the reason, I will spread love to people who haven't badmouthed everyone they know. :)

I think it could be the end of the world and I would be in a good mood. I have no money or food in my fridge however I am cool. Somehow. hrm...

Now to continue to dancing in my room to Marvin Gaye!

LET'S GET IT ON.... (I mean, let's sit on the couch and cuddle...)

Thinkin' too much causes spontaneous poetry

2011-01-15T23:38:00.000-08:00

I think of how much work I haven't done
I think of how much money I don't have
I think of how many habits I have acquired
I think of how many unworthy suitors I have given my attention
I think of how many stolen kisses I can never take back from the thieves
I think of how acquaintances like me better than people who know me
I think of how the person I love most in the world I can't even talk to anymore
I think of how many guys like me that I don't care a bit about
I think of how many guys I have liked who never liked me at all
I think of lost friends and broken necklaces
I think of stained bedspreads and sleeping in foreign places

I want to turn this off but...
I think of bruised promises. swollen eyes. forgotten feelings
and how my
my favorite feeling-

better than the rush of having a new boy to amuse me
better than getting off a roller coaster
better than any high you could try
-is gone forever.
Good Bye

Really done this time

2011-01-13T14:15:00.000-08:00

No really.
I am.
We talk. We fight. I cry. I go to bed pissed and dream shitty dreams.
This is miserable. I care for you more than anyone else in life but I am so frustrated and it hurts far too much to keep doing this.
I know I don't make you happy or you wouldn't have left me.
So I am just going to disappear and you can erase as much of me as you can from your mind.

I have other friends and things to do as much as I would love to drop everything and for you.

I'm done.

SNOW DAY

2011-01-12T09:58:00.000-08:00

...on the first day of school! Weeeee! I am a little kid. I am so happy. I actually stayed up all night to fix my sleep schedule and because my friends wanted to have Ihop and I ate and if I feel asleep I'd get fat(ter). Anyway, I am happy, though sleepy. I will try very hard to be productive and not doze off.

Zzzzz.....

za jebi se sevdahbaby >:(

2011-01-11T16:41:00.000-08:00

Seriously, I always start to feel better and then I hear a song or someone mentions you and my mood flattens.

Time to have dinner and see friends... and then probably do some work tonight if I can. Let's hope so. I feel behind already and classes haven't even started.

Hocu samo tebe.... blah blah blah.

I remember being in Krusevac and just walking around and feeling so at home. I feel like I am in the foreign place now and this isn't my life at all. Maybe this feeling will get smaller and won't matter so much. My mom gave me a big guilt trip today about leaving and I just don't get it. I have been planning for months to leave and study abroad, why is that an issue now? It just makes me feel bad. I know not being home for Christmas is rough but damn I need to my own adventures now and I will have them.

A lot of 'em.

Okay snow thanks a lot

2011-01-10T14:46:00.000-08:00

So snow ruined my day that I was supposed to have with my friend.

Also I am done done done done done emailing. No more. DO you ever even reply? No. This emailing such a crutch. We could skype or whatever but hell you don't even tell me if that is what you want. Being cooped up in my house makes me just want to talk to you because I am right here at a computer... I just need to throw that thought away forever.

I am stuck in my house and feel so blah.... I need to do something productive at least...so internship stuffs here I come.

4:25 am....

2011-01-10T00:28:00.000-08:00

This blog is one big rant so I don't feel so bad all day. That's all this is. I wish I was more content. I wish it took less for me to be happy or I could just be happy with what I have. I wish I wished less and was thankful more but at the moment I just feel shitty.
I should be a happy. A friend is coming to see me tomorrow and it was quite unexpected and it makes me happy that he is coming to see me but at the same time I still feel super torn up over Brana and I feel like all I ever do it talk about him or complain about how I am sad now. I suppose if I waited until I felt better about it I would never go out or do anything with anyone but I still feel yucky sometimes just like a big ol' cheater if flirt with a guy or anything like that which I know is fuckin' crazy and makes no sense when compared to my track record...

I just feel guilty for stupid crap sometimes and I am tired of it and waiting for it to go away and as much as I love Brana's face I can only see that sometimes. In a lot of ways I don't want to emotionally connected to anyone else or to get used to anyone else's face but I really should at least be okay with it because I know he will one day get used to some other girl's face and I will still be looking at his damn back which is how I feel now.

I am hungry I had only soup today. I have a headache... probably a bad sign. I am so tired of being fat though. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I have stumbled into speed freak TV. The shit so bad only speed freaks and night owls like me ever see it because it is so late coming on. It's a show about cheating people. Kind of like Jerry Springer but they chase them around. It's kind of depressing and entertaining at the same time. Early today I felt such a weird feeling. I was listening to a B side of Cocorosie. I had such a weird feeling brought on by it. Somehow I just couldn't stop thinking of him and I just thought of how on je moj is the most useless of phrases now and I should erase it all from my mind. My entire old life should be wiped away so I can just enjoy what I have here but knowing he is just waking now tempts me to call him because I can't help but feel weak when I think of it for too long. Someone once told me to just set aside time in my day to worry and for the rest of the day just push it out of my mind. But that never works for me. I always end up crying which takes at least an hour to feel okay after and then I feel dumb and angry at myself for getting so upset. I just worry all the time. But really I shouldn't. What worse can happen at this point?

GOOD NIGHT/MORNING

You wanna fuck. I already know. You wanna fuck me and toss me back on the floor.

2011-01-09T15:34:00.000-08:00

Sooo I love this weird band now CocoRosie. Somehow I have been unaware of them until recently but they've been around. I love them MUCH MUCH. The title of this blog is from their song Summer Breeze. I kind of relate at the moment though.

Seriously? Why do I get hit on by people I am not interested in all the time and I have to be like...UH NO THANKS. It is not fun. I mean, I used to feel at least flattered but now it is just like...Dude.. no. Don't even try.

Honestly, Universe I need FRIENDS. Please. Send me those instead of 1,000 unsuitable suitors.

Give me back just feeling okay again. Is it so hard?

I can't wait for school to start again, in a way. Then I can think of something. I will be busy. I won't be able to lay around like this all the time but I when I get to I will cherish it.

Tomorrow I am going to go to the gym. I wish only that I had a working ipod. I dropped mine a few weeks ago and his little digital heart stopped. His name was Bebapod. How Goddamn ironic....
A movie is on now I think it is No Country for Old Men. I have never been any good for seeing movies like this though. Sure it is interesting and I am not too stupid to get the point of most movies but I just can't deal with shootings or blood at all for that matter...except Tarantino. I guess I just got used to that and I always had someone to hide behind.

It makes me think of when we were at the beach house in Montenegro and Hugh Laurie's Serbian clone scared me with a story and I was so startled that I cried. How embarrassing....

My hair is finally long enough to braid. I fucked up my bangs though I look like a sheep dog with a mullet. I am going to just pin them until they grow out I think. Short hair used to suit me but I suppose that was a past life.

It annoys me that everywhere I look there is something that reminds me. Finding Jelen labels in my coat pockets and then I see a Yugo in freakin' Nick and Nora's infinite playlist, this silly movie I saw like 10,000 times and never ever noticed. GRRR!

I am officially at my pathetic low of my life at fucking 20. I really feel like this is the worst I have ever felt in general and I know that is just crazy because I have had much worse things in my life happen but somehow none of them were directly happening to only me and now I feel very alone and that is the worst bit I think.

I never thought it would come to this. I never thought I'd be that girl. The ex. I was supposed to stay Mala and anyone who really knows me (Logan, Jesaka, friends who REALLY know me) know that you were good for me and maybe I wasn't good for you but fuck I hope you do really find happiness with someone I just wish it as me because I feel like my heart is incapable of really doing this again with someone else.

I wonder why do I even get up? Why do I even try? I just feel like a fly on the wall in your life and I used to be a piece of art above your fireplace. What a stupid analogy. I have never felt like a trophy. I just miss you and I miss being okay.

Don't try to pick me up

2011-01-05T22:25:00.000-08:00

Please God
Do not send another douche my way
send nice guys I can justs be buddies with
at the moment I need friends
not creepers pretending to be friends and trying to move in on me
People who act like theyre your friends even
Seriously?
Not interested
Everyone is interested in one fuckin' thing no pun intended
I do not like sleaze I am still hung up on my ex yes. Thanks for your concern! Good bye and good night

No more blogs

2011-01-05T07:31:00.000-08:00

this is getting out of hand... I can't sleep
it is like 9 30
I want to sleep and not think any more
but fuck
I miss so many stupid things
Like for example every guy I meet looks so stupid in his clothes usually
you're right that plain un-glitzy guy clothes just don't exist anymore
every guy I meet has some trashy aspect I hate
not that I am looking for another guy but fuck
if I were I'd never even find other one that could dress himself
and if I did he'd be a be slut like every guy I meet that has taste in every other aspect is
or really shitty music taste which sorry but I cannot listen to lady gaga
I just can't do it
not for anyone
I thought forever I'd listen to your music and even thought it was different it was good and we'd watch Blackadder and all those British shows we watched and last night I watched four rooms and only thought of you the entire movie and I just miss you and your taste and your everything and no one will ever compare to you in that way and some part of me hopes that you have the same issue with other girls as selfish as that sounds. UGH :( I NEED ANOTHER HOBBY WHICH DOESN'T MAKE ME THINK OF YOU LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE I DO. I CAN'T COOK RAMEN NOODLES ANYMORE WITHOUT FEELING LIKE YOU SHOULD BE AROUND :(

UGHH IT IS TOO LATE

2011-01-05T03:23:00.000-08:00

I wonder if traces of me still surround you sometimes when you are quiet and alone
I wonder if you look around and see where I should be sitting by you
I wonder why I cry and think of only you but I know why and wondering is pointless in all of this.
I wonder if you read this if you are now and why you don't just hate me completely and never speak to me again.

I lie everyday now when I tell you I'm fine. I'm sorry. It's an easy lie to tell.
I know when you look at me
you hate me a little
you feel sorry for me
you worry about me
and maybe you still love me.
Everyone says I will get over this and be okay and fine someone else. Someone better. I hate those people and those words. So gladly anyway I would trade this to see you for just a few moments.
I cram their advice into my garbage heap in my kitchen. I know what I feel. And if this is only wasting time and I will never have you back again I'd rather know I tried and than sat around Cookeville like anyone else would. I am Mala. Maybe very fucked up, maybe very stupid, but I don't give up. I have snapped the heads off so many who tell me otherwise. Another lovely part of my personality.
I'd love to pretend I am fine but there is even more emptiness there.
Everyone says to give up. Stop writing. I suppose I am selfish to call on you to make me happy now. I just can't fight the urge. Today I spoke to my friend Marco who went through the same thing in his relationship. It was weird. A very similar story as far fetched as that sounds... and those people worked it out. They were in the same country but I really doubt that they loved eachother more that us and maybe these kinds of crazy stories where people come back together after this kind of shit is what keeps my foolish hope alive.

According to Bukowski there is nothing worse than too late...I am here at too late I fear.

A little pissed off (no pun intended)

2011-01-05T00:34:00.000-08:00

So um yeah I LOVE rumors.
I would know if I pissed at a party but ya know it took three days for someone to tell me that was the rumor going around. I have been piss-drunk before and I spilled some beer in myself and a few friends. God, Cookeville you and your loud-mouthed bored motherfuckers can go to hell.

Out of money, out of luck, out of friends, and sadly out of love. At least, on the outside of it now.

Sometimes I don't even know what to do with myself but watch AMC all day and write and read books. I need just a bit of coffee and maybe this being alone forever thing can work out. I wish sometimes I could turn into a plant. They need so little. A bit of sun, a bit of water, and oxygen. I wouldn't crave things so much. Bad for me things like cigarettes and the company of others. Everyone knows I only want the company of that one guy. And he's long gone.

20

2011-01-03T13:11:00.000-08:00

I am twenty now
as of this lazy day
this cake-less
love-less day
I am twenty
everyone says they loved their twenties
teenagerdom is over
because of this you-less
everyone-less day
I wish I wasn't even here to deal with it
that'd be fine by me
my back account is over drawn
I leave my door unlocked when I sleep now
have I become so careless?
I really feel that things will not get better
I am twenty only twenty
a bottle of pills
public puking
strangers
you leaving me
under my "belt"
a wad of hair comes out every time I shower
only twenty and
everything I love always dies

happy fucking new year

2011-01-02T18:24:00.000-08:00

tomorrow is my birthday
my only birthday wish is to hear your voice
and have a sprig of hope
I rarely get what I want
I could have any guy here almost but to be honest I'm tired of idiots only interested in sex
but you know
I am sure I will find a "someone"
to just exist near so I am not alone forever
but you know I only want you
and to be with you in this stupid 20th year mark of my wretched life.
oh well.

Awake

2010-12-29T01:16:00.000-08:00

I can't sleep.
You're probably awake now.
You probably either slept well or went out with friends last night.
I am supposed to see my best friend tomorrow and have birthday dinner with my daddy.
But I feel so fucked up sometimes when I lay down.
I think so much when I need to sleep.
I wonder what you are doing always.
I have crazy dreams when I do sleep. Crazy beautiful impossible dreams. It seems like I watch them like an old movie.
The film is obviously a film but I wake up feeling let down anyway after a night of dreams that are almost lucid and I plan to see you and you agree and we somehow are in a waffle house in Belgrade and everything is kind of okay.
Impossible things like that. And we are smiling. It's like when I dream these the people in the dream are strangers and I am someone else completely just ease dropping on such a perfect romantic rite.
I have sent you 6 emails with no reply. I never thought I'd be that girl. I wish I could just be a workaholic sometimes and push these thoughts away but instead I end up late nights like this crying on Nahnah's lap wondering when I will feel at least alive again.
I have never been so low. No wonder you want nothing to do with me. I don't want anything to do with me either.
I made you a promise that I will keep. But sometimes I really want to break this one. Why not? I have broken everything else. This one shouldn't even matter because you're not mine anymore and I'm not yours.

Watching Tv

2010-12-28T17:54:00.000-08:00

I see wedding shows
Thanks Mom
I love seeing wedding shows when I feel lousy and I know I'll celebrate my birthday alone in my apartment without even Ben&Jerry's to comfort my fat ass.
I wish I had just kept secrets from you. Everyone has secrets. Whoever you love next will probably have secrets. But she'll have you and I'll have nothing. Fabulous.
As if wedding shows aren't depressing and sickly sweet enough
there are Serbian people in this one episode
that just happened to come on
and they're dancing Kolo
I hate everything some days
I should just bury my face in work like you
and pretend to be okay
that's all anyone wants anyway

I'm ready to bum around Europe and forget this place for a while.
Sometimes I read my old blogs and wonder why I ever complained. I was skinny. I was in love and very much loved in return. My work wasn't so hard. I wasn't so depressed and fucked up. I took everything for granted. It makes me wonder what I am taking for granted now.

My Nahnah.
Being home.
Being relatively physically healthy...

I'll be fine.

Recent Nightmares

2010-12-28T13:17:00.000-08:00

Wandering around Belgrade alone
or waiting for someone who never comes
at the town center
in a red dress
that I threw away ages ago
letters never reaching their destination
Never catching on to German
being alone forever

you loving someone else

Dead

2010-12-26T18:20:00.000-08:00

When we left
I felt as if my virginity was gone
my best friend was gone
my heart was gone
all these things I held on to for someone special were gone
and you'll never really understand the dark place I found myself in
I always had you as my support and suddenly that was gone and my head was really foggy
and I fucked up royally
I just wanted to feel okay for a while and like I was someone else
I did things "I" would never do to achieve that
and I did feel like someone else
for a little while
of course I regret it all
but there is no "undo" button or rewinding
the mistakes were made
I feel insane still
I am fatter and more depressed than ever
I have never felt so alone
at times I feel very desperate and that makes me more upset
and all of this pushes you further away
the cycle never ends
my downward spiral has sucked you in and I'm sorry you failed your year because of me
I remember fighting in the train
before I left
I miss you so much
I miss the hug you gave me afterward
when we both knew we were dying
and now I am dead

Today

2010-12-26T17:25:00.000-08:00

wake up
we have a fight
cry for a few hours
I say I'm sorry in an email
then I go back to bed
a typical day now
goodnight

New Years Resolutions

2010-12-22T20:52:00.000-08:00

1. Read more books.

I have so many books in my studio,. I basically use them as furniture. I read when I want to procrastinate something else. I need to read more for fun and less for productively wasting time (oxymoron but you know what I mean).

2. Eat more healthfully.

No more sweets. I am going to turn into a Christmas cookie.

3. Exercise more regularly.

As In every week instead of my lenient regiment of never.

4. Spend less money on crap and save it for my travels.

I looove shopping. In fact, I can name at least 15 things I want to buy right now to wear when I am traveling. How lame is that?! Like it even matters! I just need to get there and the way I budget it will never happen without some will power!

5. Stick to my plans and DO NOT SKIP CLASS! EVER!

Just because this semester I miraculously passed all my classes doesn't mean I should press my luck. I have twenty hours, an internship, pending study abroad for next fall, a language to get comfortable speaking, and a promotion in my job on the Oracle. There is no TRY to get to class. There is only get to class!!

6. Be a good friend. Hang out with good friends.

Who's emotional health doesn't need work when they're in college? I'm about to be twenty and I have only a handful of true friends. This makes me sad. But at least I know who is who.

7. Stay organized.

This could be most important. When I stay organized and on track with my sleep schedule I am less cranky and I get things done. Over all my life is much easier.

In 2011, I will read all the forgotten books on my shelves. I will make good grades. I will be healthy in every aspect (except the occasional cigarette. I can't quit everything at once) I will find a balance.

There is still only you

2010-12-18T14:34:00.000-08:00

Today consists of organizing my apartment. Looking for scholarships so I can study abroad. Hopefully getting my car fixed...and I need to pay a parking ticket. I need another book shelf for all the books I have acquired, many a shelf just for my own journals. Sheesh. I have had an all day battle with my mother and sometimes I wonder how can be related. I will never bitch at my kids for the little things. I'll never get mad for needing to pick them up from college. I'm sorry my car doesn't work. I would have already had it fixed if I knew what to do about it. I don't know anything about cars and the mechanics here don't work right now and it is really fucking expensive. I wanted to be in belgrade anyway. Seriously fuck this place and these two faced Cookeville bitches. I want my old life back. I want to not feel so fat and grumpy and mad all the damn time.

Soooo I just went home. Left this crap open on my computer. I have made sad sad grades. But honestly they're like 1,000X better than I expected. I got one D 2 Cs and 2 As. I feel okay about it. I am shocked I did that well considered the stress I have been under this semester with four jobs, flying of the handle and all. I can't believe I even did that well.

Fuck everything. I'm on break finally. I will lay in my bath tub and not give a shit for a while. I always have a to-do list but it is shorter than usual and I plan mostly to study up on some German and work a little on Andy's internship stuffs, see my family. I need to get to a gym ASAP when I get back though I am a gelatinous blob and no one likes a fatty especially a fatty who used to be a skinny and only had skinny clothes and spills out of them like a fatty. :(

Books I need for whatever reason:
Howl, I don't own it somehow
Scar Tissue, I lent it out and never got it back
I was told there'd be cake, I left it in Belgrade

You know what annoys me? The mistakes I made this semester both are happy with American girlfriends. It isn't because I wanted to be that. I didn't want to be anyone's girl but Branah's. What annoys me is that a girl can make this mistake and keeps her unhappiness and a guy can turn around and have exactly what he wants and now those two are content and got everything they wanted in the end and I am going to be alone on my birthday. I suppose, it is my own doing. I suppose I deserve it because I knew better or I was in love with someone or something but fuck I didn't enjoy any part of this semester and somehow everyone wins and no one worries but me and I am left feeling awkward and weird and knowing neither of them will have anything close with these chicks to what I threw away.

Here is another complaint. Dude, why do you pretend to be my ex's bro and you tried taking me home a few weeks ago? I see you post shit on his wall and I just get pissed. You acted like I was a prude because I refused your offer. I have zero respect for you!!! ZERO. So understand that when a chat bubble from you pops up- why I ignore it.

Also, to a former friend... Thanks for airing my dirty laundry. I won't tell your secrets (some of which are FAR FAR FAR worse than mine) because I'm not a two-faced bitch. Go one about "true friends". Please do! I introduced you to them! And thanks bro, ex-bro for taking her side. We were friends before you even knew her and back when you were trippin' trying to kiss her and calling her another girl's name. Yeah. I guess it doesn't matter what you go through with some people. Still just a a subject for them to gossip about.

I realized recently I have few real friends. Next semester, I will trust no one. I will do what I should. I will have a strict work-out routine and a better diet. I will work on my homework and not party anymore with a bunch of nobodies. At least, perhaps one of my side projects will lead me somewhere. I need to save my money for studying abroad next year anyway.

The worst thing is that some part of me is still naive enough to think that love always wins and that when two people love each other and a tiny speck hope is all that remains that they can still make it. I need to give up on that.

All I want for Christmas is my sanity

2010-12-16T08:40:00.000-08:00

This junk is from Thursday and just realized I only saved it as a draft:
I just stayed up until 6 to finish my American Literature final exam paper and I feel okay about it. I am finally done with everything and all the marks have been stuck I just pray I don't fail anything. Honestly I am just relieved this is all over with. It was stressing me out so much. I am going to refrain from posting so many vague blogs that make no real sense to anyone but one person even though he is probably the only one really reading. Everyone always says follow your heart. But then everyone tells me to forget about this relationship and move on. What am I really supposed to do? I don't know the right answer. At times I want to let go and not bother and make things worse anymore but I just can't help but fight for the one thing I love most in life. I don't even really mind that my grades are terrible. I hope I can keep my hope scholarship though...

When I see your face on skype and see you smile just once I feel as though this could all worth it in the end. Wish it was a movie and I could just hop on a plane tomorrow. I wouldn't even have anyone here to say bye to except Kyla and Asa and a few other people.

Christmas music has always annoyed me so much. It sounds bad but if you ever heart Christmas music on a specifically Christian music station you will hear the worst music ever. I don't know why. You'd think they'd have the best since it's a Christian holiday but it tends to make me want to shove rusty nails in my ears. Starbucks Christmas music made me get on this topic and I wish it was just silent but I forgot my headphones as my ipod is broken! :(((

What will I do when I start working out again? I really really need to do that too. I feel very big. Biggest ever in my life. :(

On the bright side, yesterday my friend Kyla who is moving to Finland gave me some clothes and such she doesn't need. Also a really cool vintage typewriter which I will treasure forever!! I love typewriters and polaroid cameras. Today she is going to show us lizards and frogs and snakes in her department and I have never really liked snakes but the other slippy slimy babies I think I will like. I want a puppy. I am lonely. I want a tiny fuzzy one. A shiba inu or however it is spelled. My mom would cry if I have a puppy, and babies are expensive and no one wants to make one with me. Plus puppies don't cry as much or require as much attention. If you baby talk a dog it won't matter. Unless it happens to be a talking dog.

YEP

2010-12-14T11:46:00.000-08:00

One final complete and one more to go tomorrow. I was supposed to be done with all of it Monday but the snow caused a few cancellations. It worked in my favor though because my PR exam was today and I believe I did okay because of the extra night to study. I also got some notes from my friend for my history and law of journalism text tomorrow at 12. I am not sad that I didn't finish everything earlier. I am just glad I have a chance to make a better grade. This semester has been so tough for me. 4 jobs and school on top of it is just too much.

Next semester I have an internship worth 3 credits, two journalism classes (6), a poetry class (3), an essay class (3), a German 1020 class worth 3 credits (EEK! Must study over break!!), and a study trip to Berlin worth 2 credits that I am so so jazzed about!!

I am worried only because I also have the Oracle promotion coming up and I will have more responsibilities and perhaps another work study. Peer mentoring I think also will still be happening in some capacity. I am not sure how though. So I am almost as overloaded as last time if not more so. Twenty hours is like...sheesh. The difference is that this is a fresh start for me, I am interested in all the classes I am taking, and I have studying abroad to look forward to! Yayyyy for international adventures. Christmas presents are almost all bought and I am glad! Need to get Jack and my father a present... I have no idea what I will get them unfortunately.

Today was pretty good. I must study some more before tomorrow's test though. Yuck. And write my American Literature final which shouldn't be so bad. Tonight I take Juho for sushi and then tomorrow exam, and see friends after that. My friends are changing, my life is changing but for the best I think. I want to surround myself with drama free people and that is what I am going to do. I know a few people who I am am not yet such good friends with but for example I met a girl named Brittney who is super nice and she made an effort to hang out with me so I shloud embrace the opportunity and maybe we could be good friends. I just really need friends with actual morals. This isn't to say I am perfect and my friends are bad, that isn't it. I just need to be more focused next semester with all these commitments and goals and it is so much easier with like-minded people around me.

I fell right into the snow today. It was funny until I was frozen like a popsicle. :(

Now to do my work..or procrastinate a little more...

OUT WITH THE STEAM

2010-12-13T18:10:00.000-08:00

Because of you I know what love feels like even in the harshest ways. I can only be grateful for that.

A lot of things are wrong right now and maybe there is someone else for me somewhere but I think it's such a trivial thing to ponder when my life is such a mess. I don't need anyone to take care of me. I have to change the things that are bad, move on from what is ruined, pray I can salvage something of myself.

I want to call you more than ever. I ate Chinese food for dinner and I just remember how you hate it. I remember when we were on the beach and the red flag was out that meant the water was dangerous because of waves. I feel like we have been swept under and I will drown. I don't expect you to save me anymore. I remember walking on the wooden deck and you said my belly jiggled when I walked and I wanted to cry over it. How silly that seems to me now. And I wish I could go back to the night of the hypothetical island question. So I could laugh at it. I miss those silly arguments we used to have. I miss when I felt as if my life was a dream and not a nightmare. I feel there is a part of my heart which will never be repaired but whoever he is, the one who I will belong to one day... I hope he can handle that. I hope he can accept this person I am and I will be stronger and never hurt him as I have hurt you. I hope he will love me as much as you did somehow and won't leave me. I hope he will have the same morals you have because I want to be with a man who will make me a better person. I hope he wants 3-5 kids because I know I can be a good mom. I will be. I will always be there. I am not a bad person. I have just gone through a phase of being a confused depressed idiot but that isn't who I am. No more cursing. It is seriously so rude. Sometimes it just feels good to get out the stress with a swear but it really isn't healthy or productive. I am finding more productive ways to deal with those feelings. I am buying Christmas presents at the moment and I feel good about the holidays despite being away from you... I will make it good. I must remember it is Jesus' birthday celebration and not a pity party for Sarah with an H.

I never want to hurt this way again.

Meh Pissed confused Ugh Really?

2010-12-12T21:07:00.000-08:00

You can have my cousin on facebook but not me? I know this is petty but what the fuck? I can't study. I swear I want to just delete all of my email and social networking accounts. I want to crawl into a hole and forget about finals and you. Seriously? This is so stupid and lame! I am mad at myself for caring. But seriously. You have people that you don't even care for on there. I know this is lame but fuck. Half of those people you only have because of me. Everyone was right. Everyone probably thinks this was some temporary thing just for while we were around each other. No one knows how much I still love you and I hate it. I hate people thinking it'll just pass. That this is all just a phase of being dumped and it is normal.

That just pisses me off.

People say, "Oh you will find someone". I could have a someone. I could have almost anyone else if I decided to but I don't want a someone. I want the one which unfortunately is you. Really.

Fuck finals. Fuck mommy blogs. Fuck the fact that every book I open or show I see is about the glorious love people are in and fuck me being so damn bitter and wasting my time on this pointless blog.

I wish I could be free for five minutes. I wish to relax for just a moment.

I found this and loved it. No pun intended:

Three-Word Phrases, can be tools to help develop every relationship.

There are many things that you can do to strengthen your relationships. Often the most effective thing you can do involves saying just three words. When spoken sincerely, these statements often have the power to develop new friendships, deepen old ones and even bring healing to relationships that have soured.

The following three-word phrases can be tools to help develop every relationship.

~ Let me help:
Good friends see a need and then try to fill it. When they see a hurt they do what they can to heal it. Without being asked, they jump in and help out.

~ I understand you:
People become closer and enjoy each other more when the other person accepts and understands them. Letting your spouse know – in so many little ways – that you understand them, is one of the most powerful tools for healing your relationship. And this can apply to any relationship.

~ I respect you:
Respect is another way of showing love. Respect demonstrates that another person is a true equal. If you talk to your children as if they were adults you will strengthen the bonds and become closer friends. This applies to all interpersonal relationships.

~ I miss you:
Perhaps more marriages could be saved and strengthened if couples simply and sincerely said to each other “I miss you.” This powerful affirmation tells partners they are wanted, needed, desired and loved. Consider how important you would feel, if you received an unexpected phone call from your spouse in the middle of your workday, just to say “I miss you.”

~ Maybe you’re right:
This phrase is very effective in diffusing an argument. The implication when you say “maybe you’re right” is the humility of admitting, “maybe I’m wrong”. Let’s face it. When you have an argument with someone, all you normally do is solidify the other person’s point of view. They, or you, will not likely change their position and you run the risk of seriously damaging the relationship between you. Saying “maybe you’re right” can open the door to explore the subject more. You may then have the opportunity to express your view in a way that is understandable to the other person.

~ Please forgive me:
Many broken relationships could be restored and healed if people would admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. All of us are vulnerable to faults, foibles and failures. A man should never be ashamed to own up that he has been in the wrong, which is saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.

~ I thank you:
Gratitude is an exquisite form of courtesy. People who enjoy the companionship of good, close friends are those who don’t take daily courtesies for granted. They are quick to thank their friends for their many expressions of kindness. On the other hand, people whose circle of friends is severely constricted often do not have the attitude of gratitude.

~ Count on me:
A friend is one who walks in when others walk out. Loyalty is an essential ingredient for true friendship. It is the emotional glue that bonds people. Those that are rich in their relationships tend to be steady and true friends. When troubles come, a good friend is there indicating “you can count on me.”

~ I’ll be there:
If you have ever had to call a friend in the middle of the night, to take a sick child to hospital, or when your car has broken down some miles from home, you will know how good it feels to hear the phrase “I’ll be there.” Being there for another person is the greatest gift we can give. When we are truly present for other people, important things happen to them and us.

We are renewed in love and friendship. We are restored emotionally and spiritually. Being there is at the very core of civility.

~ Go for it:
We are all unique individuals. Don’t try to get your friends to conform to your ideals. Support them in pursuing their interests, no matter how far out they seem to you. God has given everyone dreams, dreams that are unique to that person only.

Support and encourage your friends to follow their dreams. Tell them to “go for it.”

~ I love you:
Perhaps the most important three words that you can say. Telling someone that you truly love them satisfies a person’s deepest emotional needs. The need to belong, to feel appreciated and to be wanted. Your spouse, your children, your friends and you, all need to hear those three little words: “I love you.” Love is a choice. You can love even when the feeling is gone.

By Deena Munsamy
Macronamystic Coach
“I Choose Today to give Myself the Best Life Ever”
®Aneed4life ©
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I found this on a random blog when I was really upset earlier and that random blog was of a girl named Sarah. She is a newlywed and very happy. Did I mention she is also a writer? Oh and her last name is Townsend. She's way cuter and happier than me. She and her husband are adorable but in a sweet non-snobby way. I am uber jealous of her happiness and now I realize my name isn't whatt curses me. It's just me.

promises I can and will keep.

2010-12-09T02:20:00.000-08:00

I herby promise myself that from now I will will make a conscious effort not to make that frown-y line between my eyebrows. I promise that I will not spend my precious time before finals staying up all night not studying-- but looking at things on Ebay I can't afford. I promise to budget my money better. I promise to fix my tire. I promise to stop nervous chewing on my fingernails, plastic cups, pencils, straws, leftover baklava from the oracle Christmas party, bits of string, etc. I promise to not get sassy with my mother, at this point (almost twenty) I should know better. I promise to stop feelings sorry for myself. I promise to clean my fucking apartment so I can have guests. I have been promising coffee to my Serbs for so long and I have not delivered!! Izvini. I promise to stop obsessing over things I cannot change and to make my life better. I promise to stop stalking facebooks of people I miss and shouldn't speak with. I promise to wash my dishes before they smell. I promise to really study German and do my best to pronounce every single thing I learn. I promise to vacuum. Someday. I promise to clean my filthy-ass bathroom. I promise to organize my shoes and my head. I promise to actually remove the lent from my dryer and not accidentally "forget". I promise to try to be nice to people I can't stand and would like to punch in the mouth. I promise to wake up and go to class after going to bed at a decent hour (this part has to start tomorrow because if I sleep now I know I'll miss my meeting..). I promise to stop wasting time on fashion blogs. I promise to tell every friend how much I love them. I promise to cry when I feel like crying and not hold it in because I have found that doesn't work and it counterproductive and it is beneficial for me to just cry for a few minutes than to be tense for hours. I promise to eat healthy and not starve or binge or do anything stupid in that area. I promise to do some form of exercise every day. I promise to love me because I am a good person inside and I deserve to be loved. I promise to not care what malicious people think about me and to love the meanest people I know until they puke skittles and rainbows. I promise to always help out a friend and take time for people who matter.

Things I am looking forward to:

Juho coming to visit

Finals ending

spending time with my family

Nahnah's red velvet cake

The Christmas smell in my house

Berlin on Spring break

Open mic tomorrow night

Studying abroad next year

My classes next semester

the release of our book (way in the future) after my internship

Things that make me happy:

Squishing on fat babies

shopping

watching interesting films

learning

travelling

writing

playing with animals

reading a good book

hot coffee and a smoke

chocolate

the feeling after working out for a long time

massages

yoga

sauna-ing

giving people surprise presents

going out in good company

really high painful beautiful heels

being totally barefoot on the wet grass

my job at the Oracle

getting hugs from people who I love

wearing clothes that make me feel skinny

People who love me:

Nahnah

My mom

Asa

Kati

Kyla

Andy and Jeannie

My dad

Grandparents

My 92 year old neighbor Mrs.Ball

My adorable nephews

Logan

Jesaka

Cinnamon (a dog but still a person to me!)

Jenni

Morgan

....a lot more actually but these people I KNOW do. That's enough for me.

Good morning!

.... I feel better. Maybe it's lame but I do.

Wherever I got the bruise on my wrist, must have been sneaky. I cannot recall for the life of me where this nickel size purple blotch came from or when it first appeared but it looks like I have been participating in cage fighting.

Don't call on me.

2010-12-08T18:10:00.000-08:00

ow ow ow my chest

it burns inside because I miss

your everything OW.

I miss the usual things like the way your edges of your mouth turn up when you smile

and cute squinty eyes you make when you laugh

I miss how you were the perfect size for me

tall enough but not a giant. Thick enough but sturdy, strong. The perfect size man for me.

I miss our tetris

I miss your freckles

I miss your crooked teeth

I miss the way you look when you let your hair grow a little too much

I miss your arrow

I miss the hair that caps your pale shoulders

I miss reading Bukowski with you in Stefan’s old apartment

I miss smoking off the balcony and drinking spritzer with you at overheated weddings

I miss avoiding gyspies with you

I miss getting smushed into a crowded bus full of pigs with you

I am little miss Imizyew

And if you feel the need to call me that’s all you can call me

Do not call me beba

Do not call me lepa

Do not call me matkic

Do not call me mala

Do not call me bebika

Do not call me bebice

Do not call me at all

Because I don’t know who you are anymore

We share nothing

Where we used to share everything

You speak to people

I speak to people

Some of which we don’t even give a shit about

But to talk to each other

To acknowledge to those close to you that I have been so close

And bits of me are still tangled up in your heart muscle is to admit weakness

Defeat

But we are defeated.

Do you think I'll ever belong to anyone but you?

2010-12-08T09:29:00.000-08:00

I was supposed to film an interview at 7:45 but my alarm clock was apparently set to wake me at 7:00 pm. Fabulous. I need a cup of chai, I need to not freak out over all these things I need to do.

I am seriously tired of people pulling me in 5 directions at once. I cannot do everything. I cannot help that I missed this interview at 7:45 am but damn that is early and I have a life too. I have a lot more to do. I know I am a mentor but I am also trying to get my shit done.

Recently someone important told me I was overweight and I realize now how right he is. I have never been so fat. I have never been so depressed. I don't even know what to do anymore.

Last night, I washed out every image of you out of my eyes with my salty solution. I want to talk to you so much but I won't give in to that temptation to email you.

I hope your life is going well. I wish I could report to you that I am learning to be happy but that's a lie.

Swimming in a pool of regret, I confess

2010-12-07T20:03:00.000-08:00

I can cry here as I have every day and you can smile to know no one will ever hold you as dear as I do.

Whoever will have you for her husband will be the luckiest girl alive. I hope whoever she is will really appreciate you. I would do anything for that to be me. I will be here for Christmas, I am failing at school and life. You look so happy in your pictures with other girls. Maybe one of them will be who you will love. Maybe you will love them more than you ever loved me. Maybe I will never be happy again. The guys who like me mean nothing. The boys I had a crush on in high school who I thought were the best are nothing. You are it. The thing every one searches for and I let you go. I don't care about any of this anymore. If someone offered me just a chance to change your mind or just a day with you where I could hold your hand once more I would take it over everything else in the world. I just to be better. I want to not be depressed. I want to hug you so much. No one is here to take care of me now and I mean nothing to anyone anymore. I know you must still care some tiny amount at least. Maybe you thought of me one time while you were away. Maybe. I have thought so long on what to do. What is there to do? I can't stand my waking life. I want sometimes to just sleep and sleep. I don't ever get up when I should. I miss you so much I can't put any of it into words. It's like I am forgetting the words to my favorite song. I am so lost. I need you still. I feel so weak. You were always there to hold me when I felt this way. But now I am alone. I forgot my todo list. I forgot how to breathe. I feel like it must be less painful to have my guts ripped out. I wish I could just beg you to take me back. I have no pride anymore. But you won't. It's a waste of time. I just can't go on this way... I will never be better I feel. I will never be free.

I see a waffle house or something on TV about NYC or anything the color red. I can't finish what I am doing but to weep. I want to bang my head against every surface I find to knock this feeling out. I want to list all the amazing things around me to make this seem smaller but nothing helps. Even the poem Anne wrote about me is laced with bits of you. These pictures of you that surround me make me wish you never happened so I couldn't feel so terrible now. It is a feeling that only comes when I am alone. Maybe just after a shower and I see out my window, I can imagine you on your way to my place... I end up screaming, thrashing like a crazy person, making sounds unimaginable to anyone but my neighbors, and I curl into a weeping-ball. I find a layer of sweat on my skin. I become so so upset that I throw up whatever ramen/nutella dinner I had and think of how you'd be mad at me for crying so hard.

Why didn't I hug you just a little tighter at the airport or kiss you just once more? Why'd I waste a moment doing anything but kissing you when I had you in front of me? Why did I do any of that?

I wake up

2010-12-07T10:50:00.000-08:00

Some days. I wake.

Believing this was all just a bad dream and you'll be waiting for me in Belgrade.

But the dream was only that you were mine.

I miss you.

I think of your hands. I think of your sturdy shoulders.

My elbows are dried and cracked and I think of you kissing them.

Red bracelet fraying around the silver bead. I miss you.

Jade gold ring. I miss you. Did he give you that, they asked? I miss you.

No. He didn't.

300 poems about you. I miss you.

100 pages to fill out to study abroad, where I will be on the same side of the ocean. I miss you.

Another weekend spent alone. I miss you.

Another night spent under a cork. I miss you.

Another day typing at my desk like anyone else. I miss you.

Thinking of the most arbitrary of details, I recall exactly what we ate at our picnic outside. we even had a basket. I miss you.

Not Okay

2010-12-06T20:02:00.000-08:00

This break I was supposed to being going home to you but I am going "home" alone. I can try to stick things in the space you left in me but nothing ever fits and I only feel filled for a short amount of time.

One day I will not cry when I think of this day. But I cry now anyway.

Goodbye to you

2010-12-04T12:56:00.000-08:00

When someone you "love" does stuff you don't like you can just not love them anymore? Yeah it sounds like that. If you love someone how do you just leave them when they obviously need you the most. When they're hurting themselves or upset or they could do something dangerous. How do you leave them if you really still love them or ever did in the first place? I couldn't. Maybe you aren't the saint you think you are. If someone I loved was losing their mind I wouldn't break their heart and add another depressing thing to them because fuck.... I love them. I want them to get better and for things to be right. I guess you don't care that much. I know you care. I know 3 hours of skype making you late to the dentist is not something someone would do if they didn't care for me at all but damn. I reserved a spot in my heart for you no one else will ever get to have and you seem to worry more about what those around you think of me than about me at all.

My wellbeing is shot. If everyone I knew disapproved of you and you'd done what I have done I would still do anything for you. Maybe I am just naive and stupid but it is true.

I have to get free. I know you don't feel the same way (obviously) or I could linger here waiting for you to get over things and take care of me again. You can handle it and I understand. Most people probably can't. I need a man who can love me no matter what. That isn't you, as hard as it is to admit.

I see Stefan and your brother pop up on my skype all the time. I wonder what would happen if I said hello to them. I had a dream I was in the car with your father driving somewhere and I couldn't communicate with him of course and I wanted to just apologize so much. For breaking your heart. Your family's heart.

I wish I could erase myself most days.

I don't care to study for my exams. I feel like quitting this whole college charade.

I wish I really could take that internship with Anne Waldman in New York. I would make a more interesting existence for myself and escape this haunted place. I am tired of hearing echos from when we were one and I don't want to see your ghost anymore.

Some part of me would still say yes if you asked me to marry you. How pathetic. When I get past that feeling I will truly be free.

I have a friend coming here from Finland this coming weekend. I won't speak to you during that time because when I do I am a big downer. I hope your trip was good and I not-so-secretly hope to hear from you soon...

Last night I realized how easy it is to break into my apartment. I locked myself out and got in with a card swipe into my lock. It is good I guess because it was cold and I was stuck outside but bad because man...anyone could get in there while I am asleep...Scary.

I need to grocery shop. I have only 5 bucks though and no car. I wonder how the remainder of this day will go. I woke up only about 20 minutes ago. I don't know why. I haven't been drinking and I went to bed at 9. Fuck.

Cao.

To know you if to love you

2010-12-01T07:48:00.000-08:00

To think of you is to miss you.

To see you is to break my own heart all over again.

The semester is ending and finals are almost here and my thoughts are lost and my heart is caving in.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how I have gone this long without contact. I wish I could just move on and not think of this so much anymore but you are always on my mind.

I remember how many people were surprised when you left me. I was the most surprised even though I knew we weren't happy. I am far less happy now. I just failed a test that is 75% of my grade in a class and all I want to do is call you and hear your voice because it has in the past always comforted me like nothing else but it won't work anymore I know.

I had some great plans to see a favorite band this weekend in Knoxville but I realized I only have 14 bucks and it is only Wednesday and unless I ask my mom for a bit of money before payday I won't get to go.

Maybe someday I will able to flip through a FB album of pictures of us and not cry. But that day I feel is far from now...

I feel I have little to look forward to. I wish I was still your Mala. She would be very happy now. She'd be looking forward to being in your arms for Christmas. But I don't even know who this person is that I have become. My heart is still Mala's heart and my love still belongs exclusively to you.

It is December 1st. This day I should be counting the hours until I beside you again but I am instead counting the reasons why I should get out of bed. There are 2. If I stay in bed I think about you all day without any distractions and I will fail if I don't go to class and just in case someday I am not depressed and not missing you and God forbid maybe you want me again in 5 years or something I need to have not flunked out of college.

I have been doing very unhealthy things recently. For this past week, I have had only 6 hours of sleep or less. I can't sleep. I feel now so tired and would love a nap but of course I can't have one now. The big squishy chair in the Oracle office is calling to me but I don't want to miss my next classes. At night is when I miss you most and can't get comfortable because at this point I can't trick myself into pretending you will be home soon anymore. I know you are gone but the ghost of us haunts me daily.

Butterflies

2010-11-30T10:45:00.000-08:00

The life expectancy for a butterfly is about one year.

In the wild, these creatures die so soon. It isn't much different from the hypothetical ones we claim to have in our stomachs when we "fall in love". But that isn't really love I think. Once they cease their rapid fluttering, love is what is left maybe or you are lucky and have everlasting butterflies inhabiting your guts, true love. (can true love really die? Where we not a case of true love if we are over now? Or maybe we will always love each other despite the pain it brings and that is what true love really amounts to. I think it is the latter and that titles are only something comfortable we cling to for reassurance even though many times a title can be empty.)

I used to think I would be happy to have them forever and that indeed I would with you. I hate to say they've transformed into lethargic moths and are slowly drifting away. I will always love you. Their carcasses litter my insides and I will never fully get rid of their remains because these are still beautiful after they pass on. That is why museums keep them in picture frames for people to see. I will keep our colorful dead butterflies in a plain frame and show it only to those dear to me. They're the most unique and exotic I have ever known and the most beautiful. People will still admire them for years to come because of their resilience and determination to fly. Though their wings did not carry them far enough, they tried to make it over the obstacles.

I don't know what you will do with yours if yours haven't already ceased to flutter and been discarded.... I hope you will also preserve the image of us into some part of your heart and see the past which was beautiful and not think of the pain and slow death of the delicate creatures.

One day a little caterpillar will crawl onto your green-heart leaf and there it will make a cocoon. One day it will spring forth and a new butterfly will emerge. If it choses to stay with you, I wish you luck on that new love and I hope it is everything you deserve and the one you will love will be everything I failed to be for you, my never forgotten first love.

Beautiful Fucking Couple

2010-11-27T23:20:00.001-08:00

We were once close to perfect but now I just feel like my heart has been fitted with wires and leather cords. They tighten every day and make it hard for me to breathe. I look at your photo and imagine who is falling in love with you now. Who are you maybe starting a beautiful love story with? How long will it be before ours which was once so beautiful is only a wilted memory or a few pictures on facebook you didn't bother to delete with every other trace of me on there you could find. I wish I didn't cry. I wish I didn't want just hug you, the one person who could make me genuinely happy in this life who can't take me back. I just believe if you loved me really as much as I love you you could find that strength to accept me again. I know I am not strong. I know I betrayed you. I know I would cut out my kidney and sell it for a ticket to see you tomorrow too.

Why do I care? Why do I try? Who knows what happens a million miles away? Who fucking knows? I don't have a claim anymore. I don't have a right demand you to speak to me.

I try to talk to you on skype. I guess you thought I wasn't online because I was sent to invisible. I say hi and you leave immediately without a rely. You Gmail chatted me yesterday and I saw it too late and I wanted to talk but that didn't work today either. I don't even know where we stand. I just feel sad I haven't heard from you. I try to not be the first to call always because it is desperate and lame but I think about those games. Those wait-to-call games are for people you like and you are who I love and man I just need to hear your voice sometimes so I can remember I am worth something to someone...Or I was at least. I just I want to be mad at you but I can't be. It isn't that bad in comparison to the 1,000 ways I fucked up our once seemingly perfect relationship. Anyway, I don't have a right to be since you are no longer mine and it isn't like I have even been my self recently. I understand why you wouldn't want to talk to me. I know. I am upset all the time. I cry when I see you because I feel so much for you... I am a big snot-and-tear-tissue-wad mess. I guess I wouldn't want to talk to me either. Maybe someone better has your smile now. Maybe she will have your heart soon. Maybe I will get a memory-erasing procedure done soon and I can stop pretending I am okay and be okay.

What a productive day of worrying and feeling like shit. I am writing a paper. I had a crazy dream that my German mentor told me I sucked and couldn't go on the trip to Berlin. What the hell.... I am losing my mind even more every moment. I suck at life and now my pajamas are damp from a mixture of wet hair, tears, and snot. Really attractive. I honestly think I would do anything to be with you and make you happy. I just wish I knew what to do or how to just start.

I hate this. This has been the worst depression in my life. Christmas is coming and I was supposed to spend it in your arms and now I will spend it in bed alone. I will probably order takeout on my birthday and chain smoke. I will probably give myself a bottle of expensive shampoo and cry until my body dehydrates like a pack of uncooked Ramen noodles.

I look at the things I have spent my money on. Money I planned to save to see you with in less than a month. Silver Pumas where supposed to motivate me to work out. Kate spade boots where supposed to inspire me to dress up more so I could look better so I could feel better. I wanted a whole different set of clothing that wasn't associated with you. I look at my red coat everyday and want to throw it into a shredder. I see the sweater you bought me and I want to unravel it and make it into a scarf and send it to a child in need. I want to leave my desert shoes in the Sahara. I wanted to be a different person who didn't know how good it felt to be in a mutual love so tender and warm. I wanted to forget about all I knew of us. I wanted to throw away all of those thoughts and trinkets in my treasure boxes full of memories of us. I simply can't do any of that. I need these tiny pieces I have left of you just so I can survive. I sometimes feel that I can get past this. Never for very long. Maybe it is a good sign though. Maybe I will one day I not look back on this moment so hopelessly as I do now.

But I doubt it. Fuck. I need you. I am so bored by any other guy I speak with. Guys who like me or just friend guys or whatever. They have nothing to say. I get called hot and everyone else likes Megan Fox. These things make it impossible for me to respect these people let alone think of them as anyone that could be comparable to you-- my Bebo. Fuck. I hate this so much! You are supposed to be my bebo and I am supposed to be with you in a few weeks! This isn't right at all and I just wish I had one more night with you in our tiny room in MSC or Belgrade or Krusevac or even at Crna Gora. I remember you pulling me through the rough waves and us jumping into them. I would do anything to walk barefooted with you down the sandy-shatp street to the beach, the salty sunburnt heaven....

It's okay. I will be over this one day.

2010-11-27T12:36:00.000-08:00

It doesn't matter who was your first. I just want to be your last...

and best.

But I think I will be neither.

BF

2010-11-26T13:37:00.001-08:00

I hear that when you stop trying sometimes miracles occur. I doubt it. But I am having trouble trying at the moment. I feel lost still. I miss you still. But I feel like an idiot pining here for you always.

It's Black Friday. The memories are swirling around me. I chose to stay in bed today and do nothing. The food at home is good. I ate a lot of sweet potatoes that you hate... I wish you were here to play Wii with us and I could get in trouble for sneaking into Jack's bed where you slept.

I miss your warmth and your sweet glances across the table. It is weird how perfectly I recall last Thanksgiving. I remember my red coat. We all said what we were thankful for. It wasn't anything unique except you were here with me and that to me now feels so ideal and impossible.

I had everything and I still complained.

Alone Together

2010-11-25T16:59:00.000-08:00

We never talked like we said we would

maybe you called and my phone was dead

maybe you forgot

maybe you decided it was a bad idea

recently someone gave me a crazy idea

but it would never work

and though before I was bold enough to try and risk everything for us

I am now a coward

Happy Thanksgiving.

beside you, I felt small

2010-11-22T20:38:00.001-08:00

I feel like a little kid.

But I feel fat too.

I feel like smiling.

But I still miss you.

I feel pretty stupid and empty.

But I am glad we happened....

Early morning, old conversation

2010-11-22T07:21:00.000-08:00

Maybe you are already moving on after all.

I haven't given up, just so you know. Why don't you just call me when you are in the mood for that conversation? I won't bother you with trying to fix us anymore until you feel like it is important enough to talk about...or you find someone else and I disappear.

Awake...Shit

2010-11-22T00:57:00.001-08:00

If you didn't love me, I could maybe do this. I could go away. I could eventually stop thinking of you. If you didn't still care if I was okay and you moved on and said, "fuck you Sarah, I don't care" maybe I would get over it and move on. But you don't. I see it in every little message. You still care. Why? Why? Why?

And since you do, I don't understand. I realize I am fucked up and crazy at the moment but damn. If you do still love me and care at this point, after all this shit... I have to say that's not an easy feat. A normal person wouldn't still care or want me in anyway and because you do I have to say that means something. I have to say that probably won't go away for a while if it hasn't yet and it just makes me wonder why, if that is the case, we can't at least try to fix us. I know you have trouble getting over what has happened. I know trust is an issue still (one I want so much to rebuild though I know it takes time and patience) but is it easier to try to move past what has happened that was bad or to just forget about us? I just know that within you I have found so much of myself (the parts of myself I want to preserve). With you I am the truest and best version of myself and I can't just let that go like that! I discovered so many of my favorite things (poetry, travels, family....) with you by my side and in my heart and I just can't kick you out of it.

You've just shown me how I want my life to go. I want a family like yours and how we were. And if something can happen once, it can happen again. I just don't want that love to happen with someone else who doesn't know me or understand me or love me like you do.

I hope we can talk tomorrow....

I miss you as usual and my brain is full of pictures of you and me taken last year. Fuck.

Good weekend with friends

2010-11-21T12:27:00.000-08:00

I had a great weekend but I stayed up too late. I went to a sushi party with some good friends and I went to Char one night with my friend Jason from high school. Good times. I was planning to try out for a play today but I haven't even showered and I feel like I won't do well in auditions right now... Yuck.

Watching a good movie...got groceries in my fridge. Yesterday night I successfully cooked another omelet but this one was a little messed up. I need a shower.

Somehow I have an extra 100 bucks in my account. I dunno how but I am not complaining...

2010-11-20T13:32:00.001-08:00

You are everywhere I look and in every word I speak.

I look onto a site to get my mind off of you and the first thing I click is about a Serbian guy. It's like you follow me everywhere without moving an inch.

I went to a party last night with my friend from high school. He noticed that I spoke about you a lot. We ate sushi today and it made me think of how you hate Asian food. I am going to a sushi dinner party tonight at my friends' home.

Last night we were at Char and got kicked out because I had a sip of his drink just to try it. Stupid rules. I behaved for the most part. We just left and it was late anyway. I wonder what you are doing and how your family is today. I hope Slava is fun.

Went to a good rummage sale and bought some cheap vintage sweaters.

Off to sushi time again...

Just woke uppp ughhh :(

2010-11-19T15:58:00.001-08:00

I feel terrible. I just woke up. I stayed up late. Didn't go to the the party, but I stayed home and ended up talking to you for three hours....

I laid in my bed waiting for my clothes to dry and fell asleep an hour before my first class and just woke up...at 5:30 pm. This is so unhealthy!! Not to mention I missed all my classes and work!

>:(

I feel sick. I want to just feel better and not do this shit anymore. My eyes are so puffy, I look like a Walmart goldfish before they stopped carrying fish.

Now I must get Taco Bell so I can live through rest of this day.

11:11

2010-11-18T21:11:00.000-08:00

I wished for you.

I might be letting go, but I'm not moving on.

Blah Blah Ohmagahhh

2010-11-18T13:36:00.000-08:00

I have a long to-do list today. At least I finally got on the waiting list for Hutch's freelancing class.

I am hungry. I have been productive all day but I still feel like I have a lot to do. I am going to a party tonight for the first time in a while. Not sure how long I will stay. Probably not past 1 because I have class tomorrow and such.

No one noticed my bangs. I guess the last time Brana was the only one to really notice and that makes sense. He was always looking at my face. Oh well. I feel good about them. I got to eat a free feast today in the English department because I am a journalism major. It'd nice to get fed just because of your major.

Tomorrow the last edition of the Oracle is out for the whole semester. It feels so weird. Looking back, I remember my summer-self looking so forward to this time. Getting ready to leave to see him...

Well, my present-self feels like a slug. I prefer to at least be snail because of their outer-coverings which protect them and French people find them tasty so they must be better than being a slug but I do feel indeed like a slug and not a snail.

Blah...

I am tired of working. I want a nap. I want a glass of wine and a cigarette and to snuggle someone who loves me. Well I will later. Two out of three ain't bad.

Done

2010-11-17T23:44:00.000-08:00

with whining. Done with feeling this way. I just changed my mind. Thank God.

Enough of this. I have been through much worse and my life isn't over. I am young. My bangs look great. I have generally clear skin and no one died. Yes, I have stumbled here and I am not exactly back to normal yet but I am going to just channel that into working my ass off (literally) in the gym because that will make me have more energy and look better which will help my mood a lot I think.

I have food and a place to live and a big bed to lay in even when I can't sleep for thinking of you. I have a bedspread that I picked out all by myself and doesn't have you on it at all and as much as that makes me sad it is a good thing because this room is all mine. My big sloppy mess that I walk around barefooted in. I miss you trying to make me wear shoes and to dry my hair when I left it wet. I miss you taking care of me, of course. But I must take care of myself and though I can't talk to you every moment and tell you every detail of my life again I have this blog I can tell and you'll probably read it anyway for some reason. Because you still care for some reason. You still check this and you haven't changed the battery in your watch and maybe that's just an arbitrary observation but I don't think you'd keep things the same if you didn't want to hold on to me as more than this. I think you know that I am not this pathetic shell of a person. I think you have seen more of me than anyone else because I was my truest and happiest self with you. I felt the most comfortable with you, the most loved with you, the most like a good person. Even if we are dead and that image of me is forever gone from your mind, that person is not dead somehow and I will find that girl again. I will smile. I will keep you in my heart but try to keep you off my mind so I can exist without crying every single day anymore. I will do this until you disappear or you feel I am worth giving a second shot and since I never see that happening I won't dwell or wait for that moment. I will speak to you, but I will not count the hours. I will not arrange my life for it because I haven't much of a life without you already.

I will find myself again. Except I will be stronger and I won't love anyone as vulnerably and foolishly as I loved you.

Miss you more than ever

2010-11-17T22:09:00.000-08:00

Tired of this. Tired of this. Ready to stop feeling like crap and start feeling awesome....

Any day now I will feel awesome instead of shitty. Any day...

I bought an outfit I can't afford today and I cut my bangs over my bathroom sink.

Good luck finding a girl like me. An irresponsive mess of a person pretending to be spontaneous and interesting.

I have missed a lot of class this week. I really need to kick it into gear and get my shit done so I can study abroad and such.

I ate a bunch of Thai food today and made Turkish coffee. I smoked too many cigarettes and didn't finish washing my damn dirty dishes. Tomorrow I will work out and eat better. Smoke less perhaps. Maybe drink only water all day and be healthy-ish. I realized today I am a large or extra large. This is not kosher. I need to be a medium again to be satisfied. Or at least in a jeans size less than 12...meh. When did I get to be double digits?! No more Coke! No more fried stuff! No more junk food. How did I succumb to this? Thankfully I found a really healthy cheap soup from V8 that I love and it comes in a lot of varieties so I think I'll start having lighter dinners...

Some grocery shopping needs to happen soon. Some homework needs to be done soon.

Sleep needs to be now.

Thanks Jackass

2010-11-17T13:52:00.000-08:00

If you find something in my work unprofessional I suggest you be a pussy and email my editor. Thanks little baby, I am positive I know who you are and maybe you should think of something else to do with your degree other than arguing with college students... It speaks more about you as a tattletale than to email me directly like an adult, guess you haven't grown up yet if you need to pick a fight with a sophomore and then cry to my editor. Ha... If you can't handle a debate, don't debate! Genius right-wing assholes get on my fucking nerves.

This day has blown. I missed History and Law of Journalism yet again. I can't wake up and get going and I get these headaches in the morning now which suck so much. Ugh.

My to-do list only grows. I am getting Chinese food tonight and hanging out with Kati I hope. I really need some girl time :(

I feel pretty crappy but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Whatever.

Angry rage-filled blog, turn back now

2010-11-16T12:30:00.000-08:00

What is wrong with me? Why can't I just feel better? I would seriously do anything to feel better...to not break down and cry in my office like a complete loser in front of other people... to not worry people all the time. I just feel extremely unhappy. I feel stressed but also like there is nothing for me to do. I feel like a kid because I feel helpless and out of control but like a grown up because no one is really taking care of me. I need to learn to take care of myself and be strong but I feel like every day is a huge struggle to just feel okay enough to get a few things done. i want to quit school so much. I want to just say FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS, IT'S HARD AND I FEEL INCOMPETENT ANYWAY AND WHY SIT HERE AND PAY SOMEONE TO CONFIRM THAT YES I AM BAD AT EVERYTHING I HAVE DECIDED TO MAJOR IN?!

Why even waste the time? I may feel like shit now but shit everyone says this is the best time of my life. What the hell is gonna happen in the rest of my life that will make this look good or even acceptable?! I don't even want to find out! I can't even enjoy being young and cute because I feel so shitty all the goddamn time and when you frown all the time or you're a big cry baby like me no one really thinks that you are pretty. They think you're weak. And maybe they're right. I am tired of trying to pretend I am okay because it makes people uncomfortable to know I am unstable and I do miss my ex LIKE CRAZY. He was my fucking first love for fuck's sake and if it bothers you that I mention his name then close your ears or find a new friend who successfully gets over being in love by not ever ever talking about it or better yet by fucking random people because that doesn't work for me! It makes me feel like a guilty spineless lowlife whore. And that isn't who I really am. I am really not a bad person who does drugs. I am a good person who was weak and allowed shit to ruin my life at 19. I mean yeah, there is some life left to salvage but my life as of now is legitimately fucked over some dumb shit that doesn't even compare to the happiness I sacrificed to learn this stupid lesson which 100s of people get through life happily never having to learn. And if somehow the Universe thought it was a necessary lesson for me to become a good writer, then fuck you Universe. I don't care about being a good writer anymore. I want to just be sane and at least glad that I exist. Because honestly right now, I don't know why I exist or how I am significant to anyone anymore. My family maybe but still its not like we even talk anymore.

I want everyone to leave me alone except that one person who maybe should leave me alone but I don't really care what is good for me anymore.

Everyone would think we were fools but I'd rather be a fool than feel this way.

Fuck this I feel so damn empty

2010-11-15T22:47:00.000-08:00

I think of all the boring idiots who made it together and wonder why we couldn't make it if those imibicles could.

I remember listening to your heart. Resting on your chest, I'd think of how I'd want every future heart beat to be for me and I wondered how many more you had left in your life and if I'd have enough to be satisfied before one of us died. I never thought I would have to worry your heart would thump for something or someone besides me, Mala.

But those were yesterday's thoughts and today I just pray one day it will beat for me again. Echo my name again, as my heart shouts yours over and over making my head ache.

Someone's cooking my guts, someone's camping in my brain.

Someone is erasing every other face and name out of my mind's catalogue and replacing it with your face and your name.

I wanna sew my name

in all your clothes

so you never ever forget me

I want to place hearts in all of your sleeves

like I did in your black hoodie

one day it will wear out

you'll throw it away and forget me

but I won't forget

about you.

Of course it is you, I love still. I have always since day one, and probably always will...

All ruined to fuck up royally. With people who don't care if I am alive. Who don't know what my favorite color is. You don't read my work. Who don't give a shit about me at all. Sometimes it is obvious why I wanted to leave this life and die.

But that's scary to say. I don't want to die. I want to just not suck at life so much.

I feel like I am dead but there is no rest in it. Like dead but trying to fight back to get to life. I was only really dead when I was numb, committing sins against myself. I feel like an angel trapped in hell. I am supposed to be good, but this place has me destined for only suffering and self-loathing. Our trust is gone, our love is lost, and my mind is gone, heart lost along with all of it.

I have nothing. I really do have nothing now.

I wish I could be rescued one day. I wish I could feel less ridiculously pathetic. I wish I could give up or things could be back how they were or I could forget this year ever happened and remember it forever. I wish I wasn't so stupid or had a time machine for shit like this. I you could forgive me or I could at least start forgiving me....

The problem is that I can't stop fighting for something I still believe in. I still believe in us. And we are both miserable in the state we are now. So trying, though I know will not be easy, could be worth it. I am willing to risk getting my heart smashed into a thousands pieces. Again. Even though it will not be any better than the first time if any person in this world is worth that pain, you are. Maybe I am too.

Probably though I am not. But you are to me.

Envy

2010-11-15T12:24:00.000-08:00

I find myself in a strange position I never expected to get in....

Wonderin':

Who is stealing you heart?

Who is kissing your lips in her mind?

Who is holding your hands in her dreams?

Whoever she is, does she know you're still supposed to be mine?

Still MY bebo?

and I am still undoubtably yours despite what anyone may assume?

This feeling.

consumes.

me.

We are still supposed to mean all these things

You are still supposed to be Mala's decko...

But you're not

so in my starbucks double shot carmel latte

I rot

2:26

2010-11-15T00:16:00.000-08:00

So much for getting in bed early.

I miss you so very much. I am a broken record of eyemizyu.

So tired of that statement. My jaw just clanks. Muscle memory has formed and all I can say is eyemizyu eyemizyuuuu...

I need to practice German, I need to clean my nasty-ass apartment, I need to check on bills, pays fees, turn in papers, register for next year's set of tortures. I swear. Ilearn is the invention of a mechanical satan.

I sat on my ass all weekend until it got numb. I did some homework but not near enough. I ate bad food and I need a shower at the moment but I suppose I should sleep ASAP and just to it in the morning.

Beba, Lepa, Mala. As much as I was sill that girl maybe I am not anymore. Maybe I am just a Sarah. A plain common Sarah. A somber, too formal name may suit our relationship now. Whatever relationship that is.

I wish I was still matckic. I would never complain about being called that ever again.

Meh meh meh.

Bed time.

My friend Sean says I should "look on the bright side

2010-11-13T23:15:00.000-08:00

...at least you are a true miserable artist now."

Two of my favorite Bukowski poems:

Roll the Dice
by Charles Bukowski

if you’re going to try, go all the
way.
otherwise, don’t even start.

if you’re going to try, go all the
way. this could mean losing girlfriends,
wives, relatives, jobs and
maybe your mind.

go all the way.
it could mean not eating for 3 or
4 days.
it could mean freezing on a
park bench.
it could mean jail,
it could mean derision,
mockery,
isolation.
isolation is the gift,
all the others are a test of your
endurance, of
how much you really want to
do it.
and you’ll do it
despite rejection and the
worst odds
and it will be better than
anything else
you can imagine.

if you’re going to try,
go all the way.
there is no other feeling like
that.
you will be alone with the
gods
and the nights will flame with
fire.

do it, do it, do it.
do it.

all the way
all the way.
you will ride life straight to
perfect laughter,
it’s the only good fight
there is.

For Jane: With All the Love I Had, Which Was Not Enough:

I pick up the skirt,
I pick up the sparkling beads
in black,
this thing that moved once
around flesh,
and I call God a liar,
I say anything that moved
like that
or knew
my name
could never die
in the common verity of dying,
and I pick
up her lovely
dress,
all her loveliness gone,
and I speak to all the gods,
Jewish gods, Christ-gods,
chips of blinking things,
idols, pills, bread,
fathoms, risks,
knowledgeable surrender,
rats in the gravy of two gone quite mad
without a chance,
hummingbird knowledge, hummingbird chance,
I lean upon this,
I lean on all of this
and I know
her dress upon my arm
but
they will not
give her back to me.

Sometimes I write a poem and I am in love with it. It is like a new born baby and like every mother I know my baby is the most intelligent, most beautiful, perfect baby in the world even if my baby is about some personal tragedy.

Other times I hate what I write. It is trite. It is too repetitive. It is about something 1000 other poets have written about. It is too long or short or I simply say "I" too much and it sounds like a 5th grader wrote it. But they say children tell the truth more than adults and my poems are all truth-telling snippets of my life.

Same days I cannot put down the pen.

Other days I can't find my creativity and wonder if the last poem I wrote (which naturally I was unhappy with) will be the last semi-decent thing I produce in my life.

But it always comes back and inside somewhere something tells me I will do this until I am dead and maybe after I am is when people will know and care about anything I wrote and I will be some famous enigma (which is appealing since I can't hide a damn thing while I am alive since I can't shut the fuck up even when I want to).

Good night blog.

That's enough. I have more in my head but I think I will let it all stew in there a bit longer.

Laku noc,

Mala

You're the only one who can make me feel

2010-11-12T21:20:00.000-08:00

Beautiful

Comforted

Happy

Safe

Important

Loved

Warm

Like I could travel the world with you and never ever get tired of your face.

There is no one else in the world but you.

I don't think I can do this

2010-11-12T08:48:00.000-08:00

There are so many things I want to share with you still

So many poems I have written for you and never let you read

2010-11-11T08:17:00.000-08:00

Knowing you still love me is the hardest part.

Someone please get the staple gun to my heart because it's fucking falling apart.

I would move anywhere to be with you, live in the desert drinking out of cactuses.

I would love right now to not feel so terrible but it is inevitable.

I would love to have a serious crush on someone here just to distract me.

But it is impossible to feel that way because I am so so so in love with you still after all this.

Saying goodbye for good is unfathomable to me, though it was partially my idea, because we always say we will but we don't let go like we promise. I might be letting go but I am not moving on as I should and I wish I could. I really do.

One day I will have someone else that care for and I will do this right. I just hate it was with you I had to make the mistakes on because you are the person I want for the rest of my life.

I would love to not have my life revolve around a faded image of what was, of "us" when we were an "us" and not a you and me like now but I am not there yet.

I made my mistakes. Chances I wish I hadn't taken. Risks that were unnecessary and the world now looks so scary from my 3rd floor window.

I wish I never had to cry again and I could know one day you'd be my best friend again but I doubt that will ever come to pass.

When I have another love, if it ever happens because now it feels impossible, I will treat him right and never hide things, I will do all of this right and wait longer to get physical. I hate this crazy person I have become. I am not a crazy person. Who is this?